


Soul Searching

by musette22



Series: Tumblr prompts [6]
Category: Actor RPF, Marvel Cinematic Universe RPF, Real Person Fiction
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anthony Mackie Is a Good Bro, Coming Out, Dirty Talk, Evanstan - Freeform, Getting Back Together, Hand Jobs, Light Angst, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Mutual Pining, Phone Sex, Scott Evans is a good bro (literally), Siblings, quarantine fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:00:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23262100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/musette22/pseuds/musette22
Summary: So?” Scott asks after a while. “You wanna tell me how you’re really doing?”A little hesitantly, Chris says, “I don’t know what to tell you that you don’t already know.”“Sure you do,” Scott says easily. “How ‘bout you start with telling me why you were going around telling everyone you were going to take a break from acting, only to then sign up to two big new projects in the past month or so?”Chris picks at the label of his beer bottle, looking a little sheepish. “Ah,” he says. “I was kinda hoping everyone’d forgotten about that.” He sighs, dragging a hand over his face. “I mean, I was honestly planning on taking a break, but then I had a couple of weeks off and I just- I just realized I would have all this free time on my hands and no one to spend it with, you know?”There it is, Scott thinks.
Relationships: Chris Evans/Sebastian Stan
Series: Tumblr prompts [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1652257
Comments: 167
Kudos: 520





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This ficlet was inspired by the video of Chris that his brother Scott posted to social media recently, and by the Tumblr prompt: "OKAY so I just learned that Scott Evans is gay (how did I not know this???) so what if Scott was the first person Chris told when he realized he may possibly be bi, and Scott helped him come to terms with it (and get some Romanian ass)"
> 
> Beta'd by the unparalleled [Flamingle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/flamingle/profile/) / [rainbowsandcoconut](https://rainbowsandcoconut.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr ❤️❤️❤️

Scott giggles to himself as he posts the video to his Twitter and Instagram. He has no doubt that Chris laughing his ass off on the floor is going to put a smile on so many people’s faces – something that’s sorely needed right about now.

Chris, having exhausted himself, is stretched out on the couch next to him right now, Dodger lying on the floor next to him. The rest of the family is playing board games in the living room, but Chris and Scott decided that a movie night was in order. For a moment, Scott just watches his brother, until Chris notices and turns his head, meeting his eyes.

“What?” he asks.

“Nothin’.”

Chris kicks him gently in the thigh. “Come on, out with it.”

“Suit yourself,” Scott shrugs. “How are you doing, Chris?”

Chris frowns, a wrinkle appearing between his eyebrows. “What do you mean, how am I doing?” he asks. “I’ve got my family around me, we’re having a movie night, I just rolled around on the floor laughing. I’d say I’m doing pretty well.” 

“Okay, but how are you really doing?” Scott presses.

“We talk every day,” Chris says obstinately. When Scott doesn’t answer, instead just giving him a pointed look, Chris’s expression turns thoughtful, like he’s really considering his answer. “I mean,” he starts, picking up his beer from the floor next to the couch and propping it on his stomach, “you know I’m no good at just sitting on my ass, but I know why I’m doin’ it, so it’s okay. And I get to spend some quality time with my family and my dog so I really can’t complain.”

“Sure,” Scott allows, nodding slowly. “But this has been a weird time for you, hasn’t it? Leaving Cap behind, going into politics, then everything suddenly being cancelled at the last minute… Must leave you feeling a bit unsettled, right?” Holding up a finger, he adds, “I know we talk every day, but it’s been a while since we actually had time to do some soul searching together. Like we used to, remember?” He smiles at the memory. “We’d sneak off to the attic with a few bags of chips and some coke and talk about our _feelings”_ – he makes sure to inflect that last word with as much dramatic flair as he can muster, which is quite a lot of it – “while everyone thought we were playing video games or looking at porn or whatever it is ‘normal’ teenage boys do.”

Chris is smiling too now, soft, just a hint of melancholy to it. “’Course I remember. Had some of the most eye-opening conversations of my life in that attic.” He bumps Scott’s leg with his foot again. “It’s where you came out to me, Scottie. That’s not something I’m gonna forget any time soon.”

Scott hums in reply. He has fond memories of that afternoon, too. “So?” he asks after a while. “You wanna tell me how you’re really doing?”

Looking a little hesitant, Chris says, “I don’t know what to tell you that you don’t already know.”

“Sure you do,” Scott says easily. “How ‘bout you start with telling me why you were going around telling everyone you were going to take a break from acting, only to then sign up to two big new projects in the past month or so?”

Chris picks at the label of his beer bottle, looking a little sheepish. “Ah,” he says. “I was kinda hoping everyone’d forgotten about that.” He sighs, dragging a hand over his face. “I mean, I was honestly planning on taking a break, but then I had a couple of weeks off and I just- I just realized I would have all this free time on my hands and no one to spend it with, you know?”

 _There it is_ , Scott thinks.

Chris is lonely. He’s good at pretending he’s fine on his own, happy with Dodger to keep him company and spending as much time with his family as he can. But deep down, he longs to have someone to love. Someone to settle down with. It’s just how he’s wired.

“I know,” Scott replies honestly. “You’ve been on your own for a while now, Chris. That isn’t like you.”

“No,” Chris sighs again, “no, it’s not. It’s just… it’s hard, meeting new people. Especially in our business.”

Scott huffs out a laugh. “I appreciate your attempt at inclusive language, but I think we both know that even though you and I might be technically in the same business, your experiences are very different from mine. I’m an actor, you’re a superstar.” He pauses a moment before adding, “Also, I’m gay, you’re not.”

Chris doesn’t reply straight away. “Anyway,” he says eventually, “point is, I’m just so tired of that perpetual cycle of meeting someone, getting to know someone, wondering if this might be it, and then having it all fall apart again. I just don’t know I can do all that again. It’s never worked out before, so why would the next time be different?”

“Okay, now you’re just being defeatist,” Scott remarks, giving his brother an unimpressed look. “Not to mention dramatic. Look, why don’t you let me set you up with someone, huh? I know you think that’s weird, but I know so many amazing women who’d jump at the chance to date you. All you have to do is give them a chance.”

“I don’t wanna give them a chance,” Chris mutters sullenly. “I’m sure they’re lovely but I just…” He makes a frustrated sound. “I just don’t think I want to meet anyone new right now.”

“But you just basically said you’re lonely,” Scott cries, throwing his hands up. “And I _know_ you want to get married and have a family, because you talk about it all the goddamn time.” He sighs, and in a softer tone continues, “Look, I know it’s hard, but you will have to get out there again if you want to have that future. You know that right?”

Chris inhales deeply through his nose, rubbing a hand over his newly-buzzed head. “Yeah.”

“Unless…” Scott says.

Chris’s eyes flicker to Scott’s face. “Unless what?”

Watching Chris closely, Scott says, “Unless, maybe you don’t want to meet anyone new because you’re still hung up on someone old?”

Silence.

Chris averts his eyes, staring at the ceiling.

Scott gives him a disbelieving look. “Fuck, Chris. You’re kidding me, right? Are you honestly still carrying a torch for one of your exes?”

Chris doesn’t reply, which is an answer in itself. “Oh my god, you totally are. Who is it? Jesus, I bet it’s Minka, isn’t it?”

Immediately, Chris shakes his head. “No, it’s not Minka.”

“Oh. Hmm. _Jenny_? Is it because she’s getting married? Is that what brought this on?”

“God–” Chris lets out a frustrated huff, sitting up and rubbing both his hands over his face. “No, Scott, it isn’t Jenny and no, I don’t care that she’s getting married. I’m happy for her, truly.”

Scott deflates a little. “Okay, well. Then who is it?”

“It’s –” Chris starts, then stops again, swallowing hard.

Scott waits – not exactly patiently, but he knows he needs to give Chris time to gather his thoughts. When Chris sighs again, it’s wearier than Scott has heard him in a long time.

“Do you remember,” Chris says finally, “in 2016, after I came back from that press tour in Asia, and you picked me up from the airport and you said… You said I was glowing?”

Scott nods, thinking back to that time four years ago. “Yeah,” he says slowly, “I remember thinking you looked the happiest I’d probably ever seen you. I thought you must’ve just really liked China.”

Chris huffs a laugh that lacks any real mirth. “Yeah, it wasn’t just China.”

“Did you meet someone in China?” Scott’s eyes widen. “Oh my god, did some Chinese girl sweep you off your feet and break your heart? She the one that got away?”

This time, Chris actually laughs. “No, no Chinese girls either. Sorry to burst your bubble.”

“Then tell me,” Scott presses, bumping their shoulders together gently. “What happened? _Who_ happened?”

This time, Chris is silent for so long that Scott thinks he’s probably hoping they’ll just drop the topic altogether.

But then, after a full minute, Chris opens his mouth. “Scott…” he says, sounding pained. “Please believe me when I say that I didn’t purposely keep this from you. I swear I would’ve told you if things had turned out differently, but… they didn’t. And I didn’t know if – I still don’t know if… _what_ it was.” He finally lifts his head, turning to look at him, a pleading look in his eyes. “That’s why I never told you, because I was just – I was very confused. Still am. I’m so sorry.”

Frowning, Scott searches Chris’s drawn face. “You were confused? About what, Chris? What had you so confused that you’d be scared to tell your own brother – _Oh_.”

Scott feels his jaw drop, comprehension breaking over him like a wave. Chris, meanwhile, looks miserable, looking at him like he thinks Scott is going to punch him in the nose and storm out.

They’re both silent for a minute. Dodger, sensing Chris’s distress, has sat up, resting his head on Chris’s thigh in an attempt to comfort him.

“Oh, Chris,” Scott says finally. “You should’ve just told me, you big idiot.”

“I know,” Chris says, hanging his head. “I should’ve. You have every right to be mad at me.”

“Oh no.” Scott shakes his head. “I’m not mad at you, Chris. Believe me, I know exactly how you feel right now. I’d be a massive dick if I turned on you now, wouldn’t I?”

“Yeah, but I still should’ve told you,” Chris says stubbornly. 

“You should’ve,” Scott agrees, “but I understand why you didn’t. It was hard for me when I was seventeen and a nobody. I can’t imagine how hard it must’ve been for you these past few years, being who you are.”

The look Chris gives him at that is tentatively hopeful. “You really aren’t mad?”

“No. I just wish you’d have told me so I could’ve been there for you when you were hurting.”

“Well, if it’s any consolation, I’m still hurting. So technically, you could be there for me now.”

Scott punches Chris in his stupidly well-developed shoulder. “Well, then you’d better start talking.”

Chuckling wetly, Chris nods. He sits back, leaning heavily into the couch cushions and absently petting Dodger’s head.

He draws in a deep breath. “It’s –”

“– Sebastian,” Scott interrupts.

This time, it’s Chris’s jaw that drops. He blinks at Scott for a second. “You knew?” he asks, sounding almost accusing.

“Not until just now. But you coming out to me and mentioning that Asia press tour…” Scott shrugs. “It makes sense. That kid gives off some serious bi vibes. Plus, something tells me you’d be just his type.”

Chris gives him a wry smile. “As it turns out, he’s just my type, too.”

“Now that you mention it,” Scott says, cocking his head thoughtfully, “he really is, isn’t he?” 

“Yeah.” Chris smiles, his eyes getting this dreamy, faraway look in them that Scott hasn’t seen for a long time.

“Oh boy,” he says, sucking in a breath through his teeth. “He really did a number on you, didn’t he? Fuck, Chris. I can’t believe I never noticed.”

“Well,” Chris says, hitching his right shoulder up to his ear. “I am an actor. I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve, but I know how to hide something I really don’t want anyone to see.”

“Clearly.”

“Besides,” Chris continues, ignoring him, “he didn’t exactly do a number on me. I was the one who was too scared, toocowardly to stick to my guns. I just couldn’t do it.” He shakes his head, as if he still can’t believe what he’d done. “We started sleeping together a couple of years before, but it was never serious. We just – ended up in each other’s beds a few times, I guess. Well, a lot of times. But on that press tour, something changed. We grew closer, and we were happy, and I _wanted_ it to work. God, I wanted it so bad, but everything seemed so daunting, and I didn’t know what was going to happen after Marvel and the press and the internet were already vicious enough as it was. I just couldn’t deal with the thought of amplifying all of that by like, a gazillion.” His voice grows progressively quieter as he goes on. “So I fucked it up, and I let him go. And I miss him, every day.” The last words are barely more than a whisper.

Scott reaches out, wrapping an arm around Chris’s hunched shoulders pulling him closer. “I’m _so_ sorry, Chris.”

Chris sniffs, shakes his head. “Don’t be,” he says, “it was my own stupid fault.”

“Come on,” Scott protests, shaking Chris a little. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. You weren’t ready, back then. It sucks, but that’s just how it was. You can’t change the past.” He pauses, before softly adding, “But you might be able to change your future?”

Giving him a sidelong glance, Chris asks, “What do you mean?”

“Well,” Scott says slowly, you and Sebastian are still friendly, right? You didn’t fuck things up so bad that he never wanted to talk to you again.”

“No, I sort of… Let him down gently, I think. He seemed to take it alright, but…”

“He’s an actor, too,” Scott finishes sagely. “I just think that if you really fell so hard for the guy that you’re still not over him _years_ later, then you guys must’ve had a real connection, right?”

This time, Chris’s face almost crumples. “Yeah,” he says, sounding utterly forlorn. “Scott, I – I think I loved him. I think I _love_ him.”

For a moment, Scott is stunned. “God, Chris,” he breathes. “Now there’s something I never thought I’d hear you say. I gotta tell you, as much as I know this sucks for you, it’s kind of amazing for me.” Realizing how that sounds, he makes a face. “Sorry. This isn’t about me, I do know that. Please continue.”

Chris barks out a laugh, bumping their knees together amicably. “It’s okay, I get it. Believe me, it’s a bit of a trip for me, too.”

“Phew, okay. So. You love him,” Scott says simply. Chris winces beside him. “Do you think he loves you? Or loved you, a least?”

“I don’t know. I mean, maybe? He said as much, back in Singapore, but then when it ended, he just seemed to move on pretty quickly. So I don’t know.”

“Chris,” Scott says dryly, “I think if he said he loved you, you can assume he loved you. The guy was probably as devastated as you were but just didn’t want to let on, especially since you guys would still be working together after that.”

Chris stares at a spot on the coffee table, worrying his lower lip between his teeth. “Maybe you’re right.”

“Of course I’m right,” Scott says, “When have I ever been wrong?” He ignores the deadpan look Chris gives him. “So, my next question would be, is Sebastian single right now?”

A pause.

“I think so,” Chris replies eventually. “I haven’t spoken to him in a while but…”

“But?”

“I’ve spoken to Mackie,” Chris admits, looking a little guilty. “They’ve been filming together, these last few months, and I… I may have called him a few times to check how things were going.”

“To check if Sebastian was doing alright, you mean?”

“I mean, not _just_ that. Mackie and I are friends too, you know.”

“Sure,” Scott smirks. “Okay, so according to Mackie he’s single. According to my latest intelligence, you, Christopher, are also single.”

“… Yes.”

“Yes,” Scott nods. “So what do you think I’m going to suggest you do, right now?”

Chris scrunches up his face. “Call Sebastian?”

“Call Sebastian.”

Chris blows out a long, slow breath. “Okay,” he says. “I guess I could give him a call to check how he’s holding up, under the circumstances. That wouldn’t be weird, right?”

“Of course not,” Scott says decidedly. “These are strange times, they remind us of what’s really important to us. If anything, I think he’ll be very glad to hear from you right now.”

“Okay,” Chris says again, nodding as if he’s trying to convince himself. “I’m gonna do it.”

“Yay,” Scott says, doing an excited little wiggle. “God, I love this.”

“This?”

“Talking about cute boys with my big brother. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

Chris fondly rolls his eyes at him. He's silent for a moment, before he looks at Scott curiously. “You think he’s cute?”

“Are you kidding me?” Scott says incredulously. “He is _delicious_. Lord, I probably would’ve tapped myself that if I’d had the chance.”

“ _Hey_.”

Scott holds up his hands. “Okay, sorry, I get it. Back off, he’s yours.”

A soft, almost mushy look steals over Chris’s face. “Yeah,” he says quietly. “I hope so.”

A thought occurs to Scott suddenly. “Oh. My. God.”

“What? What is it?” Chris asks, looking alarmed.

“I can’t believe all those tinhatters on the internet figured this out before I did. About my own _brother_.”

“Oh god,” Chris groans, “please don’t remind me of the internet right now.”

Scott chuckles. “You know the internet’s opinion doesn’t matter, right? The only opinions that matter here are you and Sebastian’s. Fuck everyone else.” Reaching over to grab Chris’s phone from the coffee table, Scott hands it to Chris. “Now, go get ‘em, tiger. Go get your boy.”

Chris gives him a brittle but hopeful smile. “Wish me luck.”

Scott gets up off the couch and leans down to press a kiss to Chris’s fuzzy kiwi head. “Good luck, bro.”

He notices Chris’s hands are shaking as he scrolls through his contacts, but he doesn’t comment, instead making to leave the room to give Chris some privacy. Before the door closes fully behind him, he hears Chris start to talk.

“Hey, Seb. It’s me, Chris. How, how’ve you been?” There’s a pause. “Yeah, I’m sorry it’s been a while. I just. I wanted to check how you’re holding up. And, um.” A shaky inhale, and then, softly, “I- I miss you.”

Scott smiles to himself as he pulls the door closes behind him. Something tells him they’ll be alright.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian gets a phone call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may have taken about two months longer than I was planning to write this, but what's important is that I wrote it. Well, part of it. 
> 
> Since it also turned out quite a bit longer than I intended, I'm posting it in chapters (still working on the last part). Third and possibly fourth chapter up hopefully over the weekend (the last one will contain smut, I promise :p)

Sebastian is in his kitchen, unloading the dishwasher, when his phone rings. Usher’s _Love In This Club_ plays loudly in his otherwise silent apartment, making him snort. So what if it’s a little tacky? It’s a _tune_ , and Sebastian thoroughly enjoys busting some moves to it whenever anyone calls him, neighbors be damned.

It’s the little things after all – especially when quarantined.

It takes him a moment to locate his phone, which has somehow ended up under a pile of clothes on his soft, blue armchair, and checks the caller ID before he answers. He promptly bashes his shin into the coffee table, but he hardly even feels it.

 _Chris Evans_.

Chris is calling him. Right now. But Chris hasn’t called him in _forever_. Not since –

Since this really isn’t time for emotional breakdowns, Sebastian sucks in a quick breath, steels himself, and hits answer.

“Hello?” His voice comes out fainter than he’d have liked, but it’s audible, and that’s something.

“Hey, Seb! It’s me, Chris.”

 _Yeah_ , Sebastian thinks. _It’s you_.

His heart thumps heavily in his chest at the sound of that voice, which he’s been trying so hard to forget since he last heard it in person. Not that it’s any use, though. He still hears it often enough in his dreams. He’s got his eyes closed now too, and for a moment he thinks maybe he’s dreaming right now, but then Chris speaks again.

“Sebastian?”

“Sorry,” Sebastian says quickly, realizing he’s been silent for too long. “Chris, hey. This is a… surprise.” It’s a bit of an understatement, but Chris doesn’t need to know how hard Sebastian’s heart is racing right now.

Chris laughs, a slightly awkward sound. “Yeah, it’s been a while, huh? How- how’ve you been, Seb?”’

“Good, yeah,” Sebastian replies, mind racing along with his heart. “Yeah. I mean, um. Can’t complain, you know?”

“Good. That’s great, Seb. I’m glad.” There’s a pause, and then Chris says, “Weird times, though, eh? With the whole virus quarantine situation.”

“Yeah,” Sebastian says, latching on to the safe topic gratefully. “It’s crazy. One moment I was shooting in Europe and now I’ve been quarantined by myself in New York for weeks.” He laughs. It sounds tellingly shaky to his own ears. “Anyway, how about you? You holed up back in Boston?”

“Yep,” Chris confirms. “Scott and I are camping out at mine. It’s not so bad, all in all.”

“Ah, that’s great. I’m glad you guys have each other for company.” Sebastian rubs his beard, not quite sure what to say next. “So…” he says eventually, when Chris doesn’t say anything more either, “did you, um. I mean, is there a reason you’re calling, or..?”

“ _Oh_ ,” Chris says. “Yeah, sorry. I just – I guess I kind of just wanted to check how you’re holding up? I’ve, uh, I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately, and I just…” – he swallows audibly – “I wondered how you were. How you’re doing. With all this.”

_I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately._

Sebastian has no idea what that means, but he can’t deny it makes him feel something. Something he probably shouldn’t be feeling.

“Yeah?” The hopeful-sounding word is out before he can think it the better of it. He feels himself start to blush, thankful that at least Chris can’t see his face right now. “I mean, yeah, me too. Been wondering how you were, I mean. It's good to hear from you, Chris." 

There’s a silence on the other end of the line that Sebastian doesn’t know how to interpret, and then Chris says, “So you’re in New York right now, you said?”

“Yeah, I’m home,” Sebastian replies, sinking down on his couch, because his knees have gone a bit wobbly. “Came back from Prague a week or so ago. Sorry,” he says, when he realizes that Chris probably doesn’t know that Sebastian had been in Prague at all, or why. “That’s where we were shooting for the Disney plus show. But then this fucking virus happened and, yeah, we had to come back early.”

“Yeah, I heard.”

“Oh,” Sebastian says, surprised. “Really?”

“Yeah,” says Chris. “I uh, I talked to Mackie, the other week. He told me you guys were in Prague but that you were being called back ‘cause of the COVID situation.”

“Oh,” Sebastian says again, feeling a little thrown. “You spoke to Mackie? He didn’t tell me he’d talked to you.”

“He didn’t?” Chris asks. “That’s- oh. Yeah, I just wanted to know how you guys were doing, and I, I called Mackie, because… Chris hesitates, and when he speaks again, Sebastian can hear something like nerves in his voice. “Well, because I wasn’t sure you’d want to hear from me, to be totally honest.”

Sebastian huffs out a breath, almost a laugh but not quite. “Why wouldn’t I, Chris? We’re friends, aren’t we?” His heart trips in his chest, suddenly unsure. “That’s what we said at least, right? That we’d still be friends?”

“Of course, Seb,” Chris says immediately. “Of course we’re friends. I know things happened, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still care about you. That’s not just gonna go away, you know?”

“I know,” Sebastian says, and God, does he know.

Chris inhales, then softly admits, “I think about you a lot, actually. Wonder how you’re doing, what you’re up to. If you’re happy.”

Sebastian has to close his eyes for a moment before he can reply. “I’m happy,” he says finally. It’s not entirely true, but close enough. “Things aren’t perfect, but I think perfect’s probably an illusion, anyway. I’ve got my job, my friends, my mom. I’m doin’ fine. More than fine.”

If Chris realizes there is one thing conspicuously absent from that line up, he doesn’t comment on it.

“That’s great, Seb. I’m really glad to hear that, truly. You’ve had a busy year, right? Workwise?”

Sebastian hums in confirmation, blinking in surprise when Chris adds, “I saw The Last Full Measure, the other week. It was really great. You were amazing, Sebastian.”

“You saw that?” Sebastian is proud of that one, definitely, but it wasn’t exactly widely distributed. All the promo he did for it had been relatively low-key, so he’s genuinely surprised Chris even heard of it in the first place, let alone saw it.

“’Course I did. Couldn’t miss a movie with you leading a cast like that, could I? God, Seb. Peter Fonda, Bradley Whitford, Sam Jackson…”

Oh, _of course_ , Sam Jackson was in it, too. Suddenly, Chris seeing this movie makes more sense. Sebastian immediately feels a little silly for thinking Chris might’ve gone to see it just for him.

“Don’t forget Chris Plummer,” Sebastian adds, not wanting to dwell on his embarrassment. “You worked with him for Knives Out, right? Man, I _loved_ that movie. Absolutely brilliant. Definitely deserved all the praise it got.”

“Thanks, Seb,” Chris says, a smile in his voice. “Had a lot of fun on that one. Chris had nothin’ but good things to say about you.”

“Yeah?” Sebastian smiles, rubbing the back of his neck and feeling his cheeks heat up. “He was wonderful. Still can’t believe I got to make a movie with so many acting legends.”

“Speaking of,” Chris says, clicking his fingers, “I worked with J.K. Simmons on that Apple show a while back, and man, that guy _really_ loves you.”

Sebastian’s blush deepens. “You guys talked about me?”

“Just a bit,” Chris replies, and Sebastian can the smile in his voice. “We had a lotta stories to swap.”

“Oh God,” Sebastian groans. “He didn’t tell you about the Diet Coke incident, did he?” 

“He may have mentioned it,” Chris says, sounding like he’s grinning. “Once or twice. But I mostly remember the one about you buying that kid a giant teddy bear and having it delivered to set for him.”

“Ah,” Sebastian says, feeling more than a bit _aw shucks_ at the direction the conversation’s taking. “Jeremy’s a sweetheart. He deserved that bear.”

“I’m sure he did. But it was still a really sweet thing of you to do, Seb.”

Sebastian can’t help it. He wants to preen, roll around in the surge of serotonin that simple remark triggers, even after all this time. “Thanks,” he says softly, picking at a loose thread on the off-white throw that he likes to burrow under when he watches TV.

Chris is silent for a moment, and Sebastian can’t help but wonder if he’s remembering, too. Remembering all those moments spent together, casual hook ups in trailers and hotels that were actually a lot less casual to Sebastian than he’d let on. All those whispered confessions, promises, endearments. _Sweet_ was one of Chris’s favorite words to describe him, back then. To hear it again now, after going without it for years, triggers so many memories, emotions, even physical sensations, that Sebastian has to swallow hard around the lump in his throat.

“How about you, Chris?” he asks finally, deflecting attention from himself for a much-needed moment. “How’s life been treating you lately?”

“Life is… good. Strange, too, of course. Right now.”

Sebastian hums in acknowledgement, because yeah.

“Went from filming straight to working non-stop on A Starting Point,” Chris continues. “That’s our political website, by the way, I don’t know if you –”

“Yeah,” Sebastian interrupts him. “I’ve heard about it.”

What he doesn’t say is that, in a moment of weakness, he’d read the Wired interview Chris had done to promote the project, or that he cried himself to sleep that night, both from how much he missed Chris, and how proud he was of him for doing something so brave. Something he’d always been so passionate about, no matter how much flak he was likely going to get for it. But Sebastian had worried, too. Chris is a big boy, he knows that, but he also knows that he has a giant, bleeding heart. A heart that Sebastian once considered his to care for, and he’d done so to the best of his ability. One of his most vivid memories of his time with Chris was the night when Chris had broken down in his arms, after he’d fallen out with one of his best friends and felt like he’d disappointed the people he cared about most. The way those big, racking sobs shook Chris’s broad frame as Sebastian held him is not something he’s going to forget lightly. Or ever.

“Right,” Chris says, breaking into Sebastian’s reminiscing. “So we were trying to get it all done before that date the website was supposed to go live, and then…” He trails off meaningfully and sighs. “But you know, I really can’t complain. I get to do my part by just sittin’ at home, you know? Don’t need to worry about money, got my family close. I’ve got it so much better than a lot of other folks.”

“We’re lucky,” Sebastian agrees. “But it still really sucks that something you worked on so hard, for so long, suddenly got put on hold. You’re allowed to be upset about it, Chris, you know that right? Doesn’t make you a lesser person.”

“I know,” Chris says, and he sounds like he’s smiling. “Hmm. I forgot how wise you are. There have been _so_ many moments over the las few years where I really could’ve done with some of your sage advice, I’ll tell ya.”

Sebastian snorts. “Ah, that’s just years of therapy talking. I think my therapist is the person I talk to most, these days. He must be sick of me calling him every day, but I need him to keep me sane, seeing as I’m locked up in my apartment all by myself.”

“Wait, so,” Chris says, a sharp note of concern in his voice, “you’re really all alone?”

“Well,” Sebastian says, keeping his tone serious. “I’ve got my imaginary friend Joseph, but to be honest, he’s starting to drive me up the wall a bit. Joseph, put that down _right now_!”

Chris, _bless him_ , barks out a laugh at his lame, recycled joke, and Sebastian’s chest swells at the sound. He can perfectly imagine what Chris looks like, right then, head thrown back and clutching his own chest. Careless and beautiful.

“Sounds like your therapist may not be doing as good a job as you hoped,” Chris teases, and Sebastian laughs.

“No, I am alone, but I’m fine, Chris,” Sebastian assures him. “I make sure I get enough exercise, I FaceTime my mom and friends all the time, so I’m okay. Really. Just a little bored, maybe, but…” He hesitates for just a moment, before adding, “I’ve been using this time to write. Nothing major, just, working on some short stories. Maybe a screenplay, eventually.”

“That’s amazing, Seb,” Chris tells him, sounding like he’s never meant anything more. “I’m so happy you’re still writing. I mean it.”

Chris had been so supportive when Sebastian first told him about his writing, telling him he’d love to read it if Sebastian ever felt like he was ready to share any of it. He hadn’t been, back then, but he regrets that a little now. He’s always valued Chris’s opinion a lot, and he’d love to know what Chris would think of it. He knows he could count on him being honest but kind, and that’s exactly what Sebastian needs. Chris has always been exactly what Sebastian needs.

“Thanks, Chris,” Sebastian says, feeling warm. “I appreciate it.” He clears his throat. “Anyway, so yeah, that’s, that’s basically how I’m spending my time, right now. It’s not much, but it’ll do, for now.”

“Maybe –”

“Yeah?”

“Maybe we could call again, sometime? Just to chat? Make up on lost time, so to speak?”

Sebastian lets out a breath. “Oh.”

“Or not,” Chris says quickly, already backtracking at what he thinks is lack of enthusiasm on Sebastian’s part. “I totally get it if you’d rather not, I just figured –”

“Sure,” Sebastian interrupts him. “I’d like that.”

“You would?”

“Yeah, I would. It’s been nice, hearing from you again.” He almost said ‘to hear your voice again’ but he caught himself just in time. That would’ve been saying too much.

“Me too,” Chris says. “Hearing from you, I mean. Hearing your voice again.”

 _Oh_. Sebastian sucks in a breath, before slowly letting it out again. “Yeah, same here.”

“Okay. Good. Well, speak to you soon, then.”

 _Can’t wait,_ Sebastian thinks. “Great,” he replies out loud. “Give Scott my best, yeah?”

“Will do. Good night, Sebastian.”

“Night, Chris.”

And then Chris ends the call, and Sebastian is left alone with his racing thoughts in his silent apartment.

He lets himself fall back into the couch cushions, running a hand through his hair. It’s in dire need of a haircut that it doesn’t look like it’s going to get any time soon.

What the fuck just happened? Chris called him, out of the blue, just to… what? Chat? Catch up? But why now, after all this time?

However hard he racks his brain, considers every possible angle, Sebastian can’t figure it out.

He hopes Chris calls back soon.

\----

Chris doesn’t.

A few weeks pass, in which Sebastian tries to be happy that Chris contacted him at all, that he’d even just wanted to know how Sebastian was doing.

Maybe they really can be friends again. Casual friends, you know? That would still be more than he’d ever expected, before Chris called. But however much he tries to rationalize it, deep down he can’t help but be disappointed that it seems Chris really was just checking in and not interested in anything more. He’d have called again by now if he had been. Sure, maybe Sebastian could call Chris, too, but he still has no idea why Chris really got in touch, and he’s not exactly eager to get it all wrong and make a fool of himself.

So he swallows down his disappointment, and tries to get on with his life. Only he can’t, not really, because he’s stuck in his fucking apartment by himself. He keeps busy, talking on the phone to his friends and mom a lot, watching Don’s training videos and doing his exercises, learning how to cook (well, trying to, at least) and writing – like, a lot.

And it’s okay, for the most part. As much as he loves being around people and working and just generally going out and keeping busy, he had been a overworking himself a little lately. This break, even though he wishes the circumstances could’ve been better, actually came at the right time. Call him conceited, but he does quite enjoy his own company, and lounging around in his PJ is something he’s gotten very little opportunity to do, these past few years. Plus, he’s very aware that he’s lucky. He has financial security, his mother close by, can just order food to be delivered to his door. Basically, all he needs to do is just sit this one out. That’s a lot better than a lot of other people have it right now, and he’s doing his best to support people less fortunate than him with messages of support and donations here and there.

But however hard he tries to distract himself and keep himself entertained, he still has far too much time to think. To spiral and wallow in his disappointment. Even on the best of days, Sebastian tends to overthink everything, and get all nostalgic about things that he’s supposed to be _over_ already, and it’s worse now that Chris called him out of the blue.

The thing is, he was supposed to have long moved on by now. It’s been _years_. The fact that one phone call is enough to make him relive _every single thing_ that ever happened between them, the bad and he good, memories playing inside his head on a loop, makes it painfully clear that he hasn’t moved on quite as far as he’d hoped. And the worst thing is, he’s not sure what the hell he’s supposed to do about it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris frets. Scott intervenes.

“Hey, you seen this?”

Chris looks up from where he’s putting the last of the dishes from lunch into the dishwasher, still lost in thought. He’d been absentminded all throughout lunch, actually. Couldn’t stop thinking about Sebastian. Again. He’s starting to feel like a broken record, but the whole situation has him completely at a loss. Right after his call with Sebastian, Chris had felt a hundred pounds lighter, happy and relieved, hopeful that he’d be hearing from Sebastian again soon so they could continue where they left off. Call him naïve, but he’d felt like the conversation had gone really well, better than he could’ve hoped for. For a while, he’d been almost convinced that Sebastian was happy to hear from him again, too. That he’d want to get closer again.

But the ball is in Sebastian’s court – has been for a few weeks now – and so far, he hasn’t called.

So Chris, true to form, has been fretting, turning every part of the conversation over and over in his mind, trying to figure out if he might’ve misunderstood, picked up the wrong signal. What if Sebastian had just been indulging him? Being as kindhearted as he is, maybe he just didn’t want to hurt Chris’s feelings by outright telling him he shouldn’t be calling him, and he’d actually been super uncomfortable with the whole thing? Just the idea makes Chris cringe. The last thing he wants to do is pressure Sebastian into something. Make him feel like he can’t say no. Not after what Chris had put him through. It’s not that Sebastian is spineless or a pushover – it’s just that he has a huge heart and is one of the most compassionate people Chris knows.

Shaking himself out of his maudlin thoughts, Chris forces himself to focus on what Scott is showing him on his phone. “What’s that?”

“Chris Pratt’s Twitter. Did you see he challenged you?”

“He what now?” Chris frowns, squinting at the screen. “Oh shit. When did he do this?”

“Yesterday.”

“Damn, I missed that.” Chris wipes his hands on the kitchen towel over his shoulder before he fishes his own phone out of his pocket. He opens Twitter and quickly checks out what exactly Pratt tagged him in. “Okay, yeah,” he mutters once he’s read through the website. “I definitely gotta do this.”

“Totally,” Scott agrees. “What are you gonna do about that prize though?”

Chris puts his hands on his hips, blowing out a long breath while he mulls it over. “I guess it’s gotta be something Avengers related, right? That’ll bring in the most money.” He nibbles his lip in thought. “I could ask the gang if they’d be up for doing like, a virtual hangout or something? Like a Q&A or, I don’t know, playing a board game or whatever? Everyone from their own home, through that Zoom thing?”

“You think they’d be up for that?” Scott asks, crossing his arms as he leans against the counter.

“Oh yeah, absolutely. I talked to them last week, remember? Everyone’s just hanging out at home anyway and they’re always in for charity gigs.”

“Great,” Scott agrees. “Do it. And tell Hemsworth I said hi.” 

Chris huffs a laugh. “It’s a group chat, Scott.”

“So?”

“So, I can’t just tell _one_ of them hi from you, can I?”

“Sure ya can,” Scott says, smiling angelically. “The rest is nice too but they don’t have abs like Hemsworth’s.”

Chris heaves a put upon sigh. “Alright, sure, you slut. I’ll tell Hemmy you said hi.”

“Uh, how am I a slut?” Scott bristles, indignant. “I just got out of a four-year-long monogamous relationship and I’ve been locked up here with _you_ ever since!”

“Locked up-” Chris pulls an incredulous face. “Hey, if you don’t like it here, you’re more than welcome to go stay with mom.”

“Noooooo,” Scott wails dramatically. “She’s just gonna keep asking me what I plan to do with the rest of my life one this quarantine thing ends and I haven’t got a clue, obviously.” He pouts at Chris. “I like staying with you. Who else is gonna spend a whole afternoon watching vintage Disney movies with me?”

“Damn straight,” Chris nods. “You’ve got a good deal here, admit it.”

“I do, I do,” Scott concedes, before he coyly looks up through his eyelashes. “So. You’ll give my love to Hemsworth?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Waving a hand dismissively in his brother’s direction, Chris walks into the living room and drops into the couch. “Now go do something useful while I do important business like the important man that I am.”

Leaning in over the side of the couch, Scott smacks a kiss on Chris’s cheek. “You’re the best big brother, did you know that?”

Chris scoffs. “Only ‘cause I’ve got a bunch of hot guys’ phone numbers, huh? I see how it is.” 

“Aha! So you admit he’s hot. Mind you, wouldn’t have pegged him as your type. Too much… well, like you.” 

Rolling his eyes, Chris says, “He’s not my type, but I’d have to be blind not to see that Hemsworth is hot, Scott. ‘Sides I don’t have a type when it comes to guys. I just like… Sebastian.”

It’s Scott’s turn to roll his eyes. “Oh, trust me. I know. You’ve made that abundantly clear.”

Chris narrows his eyes at his brother and aims a kick at his shins, but Scott dances deftly out of the way.

“Now, stop your complaining,” Scott orders, from a safe distance. “You’ve got some Avengers to assemble.”

\---

Chris does, in fact, do just that. It’s as easy as he expected to rustle up the rest of the gang and the whole thing’s arranged in about twenty minutes, pending the green light from everyone’s people, but no one foresees any issues there. Chris is kind of impressed at the speed with which they settled this. Usually they have to go through endless inside jokes and inappropriate remarks, primarily from Downey and Scar, before they can get down to business. This quarantine must really be getting to everyone. Before they sign off, Hemmy graciously responds to Scott’s greetings, and Chris makes Scott’s night when he passes on Hemmy’s _love the haircut, Scott_ , which Elsa apparently had shown him the video of.

“Okay, all set,” Chris says, leaning back into the couch. “I’m gonna take Dodger out for a bit, wanna come along?”

Scott gets up from where he’d been curled up in a corner of the couch, groaning loudly as he stretches his arms above his head. “Sure yeah, I could use some fresh air. Come on, Britney,” he says, patting his thighs in Dodger’s direction.

“Britney?” Chris queries.

“You know – bad haircut?” Scott waves a hand at his own shaved head which matches Chris’s and cackles when Chris groans in protest.

Chris whistles, and Dodger jumps up from where he’d been dozing, barking once in acknowledgement. For a moment, Chris looks down at him with a mixture of horror and amusement. Truth be told, Dodger does look kind of terrible. He figured he could just give him a quick trim with his own razor and… well, let’s just say it didn’t go quite as planned.

“It’s just a haircut, Chris. It’ll grow back,” Scott reassures him, as they start making their way down the path leading through the field behind his house.

“I know, I know.” And then, because ever since Chris first confessed to Scott about his feelings for Sebastian, the floodgates have opened and he just can’t seem to get them to close again, he adds, “Sebastian’s hair is getting longer.”

Scott groans. “Oh my god, Chris, I know, you showed me the video.”

“Sorry,” Chris mutters, only the slightest bit embarrassed. “It’s just that-“

“- you adore him and you miss him,” Scott interrupts. “I know. You’ve told me. Repeatedly.” He lets out a put-upon sigh. “What I _don’t_ know is why you still haven’t called him back. You’re obviously dying to talk to him again, but it’s been _weeks_ and you haven’t even as much as texted him. I don’t get it.” 

“You _know_ why,” Chris says mulishly, shooting Scott a glare. “The ball is in his court now. I made the first move, and if he wanted to talk to me he would’ve called me.”

Scott cocks his head. “Would he, though?” he asks skeptically. “I mean, did you make it absolutely clear when you called him that you weren’t just catching up in a pals being pals sort of way? That you in fact wanted to rekindle that old flame?”

“Yes, Scott, I did.” Chris gnaws on his bottom lip for a moment before adding, “I _think_ I did, at least. I did say that we should do this more often.”

“Chris,” Scott scoffs. “C’mon, that’s like the most generic thing ever to say at the end of a catch up. It’s like when you run into an old acquaintance from high school and you’re both pretending you’re in a rush so you won’t have to go through awkward chit chat and you say ‘we must have coffee soon, we simply _must_ ,’ when you both have no intention whatsoever of following up on it.”

Chris snorts, kicking a small rock out in front of him. “I guess, yeah. Maybe I should’ve been a little clearer.” He sighs. “Nothing I can do about that now, though.”

“What d’you mean? ‘Course there is. You can call him again and _make_ it clear.”

“I don’t want to be pushy, Scott. I don’t wanna make him feel like he doesn’t have a choice.”

Scott sighs again, probably at Chris’s stupidity, which Chris can’t wholly blame him for, and they’re silent for a moment as they watch Dodger chase a rabbit down the field.

“I know!” Scott exclaims suddenly, making Chris start. “For this challenge thing, you’ve gotta tag people, right? To pass on the challenge?”

“Yeah…” Chris says warily.

“So, tag Sebastian!”

Chris pulls a face. “Ah, I don’t know.”

“Come onnnn,” Scott cajoles. “It’s perfect.”

“I can’t just _tag_ him, though,” Chris protests. “He’ll need a heads up. He hasn’t got the same kind of contacts Pratt and I do, you know?”

“Even better. You can call him again first to ask him if he wants to do this.” Scott hip checks him. “Trust me on this one, bro. It’ll give you a great excuse to talk to him again, because it’s sort of a professional thing, right? So if he really isn’t interested in anything more with you then he can just do the thing, and he won’t have to feel awkward about it if he leaves it at that. But if he _is_ interested, he’ll be like, _okay, Chris has contacted me twice now, maybe there’s a reason for that and I should probably make the next move to show him I’m interested back_.” Scott beams at him. “Foolproof plan!”

Chris snorts. “Not likely, coming from you.” He gets a punch in the bicep for that, which, fair.

“So, you’ll do it?”

It’s not a bad plan, Chris has to admit. He mulls it over for a moment, weighing the pros and cons.

“Wait, fuck," he says suddenly. "I can’t even tag him, he doesn’t have Twitter.”

Scott pulls a face. “He doesn’t have Twitter? What kind of celebrity doesn’t have Twitter?”

Chris bristles at Scott’s tone and it about to launch into a passionate defense on Sebastian’s behalf, but Scott cuts him off before he can really gather steam.

“Wait, but he has Instagram, right? You showed me that story he posted.”

“Yeah,” Chris acknowledges. “But I don’t.”

Scott grins at him then, a mischievous sparkle in his eye that Chris knows all too well. “Not yet, you don’t.”

They’ve circled back to the house, and Chris opens the door to let Dodger in, Scott following in behind them.

“Gimme your phone,” Scott demands, holding out his hand. “I’ll set up an Instagram for you and get it verified and everything. I know how you get with technology, gramps. Just leave this to someone a little more youthful, eh?” Scott dodges Chris playful punch expertly, a lifetime of experience coming in handy in avoiding bruises. “In the meantime, start thinking about what you want to say to Sebastian when you call him.” He squeezes Chris’s bicep reassuringly. “You got this, man.” 

Chris gives him a wry smile and dutifully hands Scott his phone, before opening the pantry to get out a dog biscuit for Dodger. “Bubba, catch!”

Something occurs to him then.

“But – if I set up an Instagram and tag Sebastian, people are _definitely_ gonna talk.” After what Scott told him about people on the internet analyzing his and Sebastian’s every interaction ever, it seems likely that something like Chris setting up Instagram just to tag Sebastian would cause a bit of a splash.

Scott shrugs. “People will talk whatever you do, Chris. You know that.” He thinks for a moment before adding, “But if it makes you feel better, why don’t you tag Mackie, too? So it’ll seem like it’s some sort of promo thing for that new show they’ve got coming up?”

“That’s… not a bad idea, actually.”

“No need to sound so surprised,” Scott says archly. “But you have to tag three people I think so maybe add someone from an upcoming project of yours? Oh, I know! Billy Porter! He’s totally fab.”

Chris gives Scott an impressed look. “Okay, yeah. This could work. And you’re sure it’s a good idea?”

“Positive.”

Scott smiles, and Chris is hit with a wave of gratitude for his caring, generous brother. He wraps him up in a bear hug. “Thanks,” he mumbles into Scott’s shoulder, while Scott hugs him back just as hard. It’s a family thing. “I really appreciate your help. I know I’ve been annoying lately.”

“Nothing new there, then” Scott remarks, but he hugs Chris a little tighter. “Now let go of me and go think about how you’re going to woo your boyfriend.” There’s a beat. “Oh my god, that’s actually still such a trip to say out loud.”

Chris huffs out a laugh, nerves bubbling in the pit of his stomach suddenly. “He’s not my boyfriend, Scott.”

“Not _yet_. But we’re going to change that, brother mine. Mark my words.”

Chris has never hoped his baby brother was right more than he does right now.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian pines, Mackie is the voice of reason (for once), and boys learn to use their words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know. This is late. SO late. Sorry guys, life royally got in the way! I also have to give a little heads up for chapter 4, since it mentions the boys’ social media a lot and I know that’s a bit of a sensitive subject right now. I’ve considered not posting these last two chapters because I’m slightly worried it might be a little tone deaf, but I already had most of it written and I know that some of you have been waiting for the rest of it. So in the end, I’ve decided to post them anyway, but I would like to stress that it’s completely fine and understandable if you’re not up to reading it right now (although I promise that there’s only minimal angst, and nothing to do with recent events, and then lots and lots of fluff and, in the final chapter, smut)
> 
> So yes, read at your own risk, and if you do, I hope you enjoy! ❤️

This time when Sebastian’s phone rings, he’s extremely tempted to ignore it. He’s watching Chris’s new TV show (what can he say, he likes to suffer) and to say he’s absorbed in it would be an understatement. Chris is absolutely  _ captivating _ . Magnetic and commanding and utterly, painfully gorgeous. Not that he isn’t always, but there’s something about his look for this show that has Sebastian biting his knuckles and whimpering into a pillow at least seven times per episode.

It’s not just thirsting, though. More than anything else, Sebastian feels  _ proud _ . He knows Chris has always been a little self-deprecating about his acting abilities, which wasn’t helped by spectacle and hype Marvel movies tended to generate. Interviewers were much more likely to want to talk special effect or training routines than the delivery of individual lines. This time around though, no matter how glorious the beard looks, no one will be able to dismiss Chris’s acting. He’s too compelling. Sebastian is only three episodes in and he’s already hooked to the point where he sometimes forgets he’s watching the man he’s been infatuated with for close to a decade.

With a sigh, he hits pause on the remote and digs his  _ Love In This Club _ -blaring phone up from under the blanket he’s curled up under.

“Hello?” he says, picking up without checking who’s calling first. His head is still with Andy Barber’s drawn face as he’s being picked apart in front of a grand jury.

“Seb, hey! It’s Chris.” 

For a moment, Sebastian thinks his brain is playing tricks on him, merging fiction and reality, but then the person on the other end says his name again, and he snaps out of it with a jolt.

“Hi,” he says, unable to keep the surprise out of his voice. “I- Chris?”

“Yeah, hi! How- wait, is this a bad time?”

“Oh no, not at all,” Sebastian says hastily. “Sorry, I’m just a little out of it. I was watching TV and I got kind of, uh. Carried away.” He lets out a breathless laugh and straightens up on the couch, even though Chris can’t actually see him.

“Nice,” Chris says. “Watching anything good?”

Promptly, Sebastian’s brain glitches, because he can’t possibly tell Chris what he’d  _ actually _ been watching.

“Uh, nothing –” he stammers, “I mean, just, you know. Some… stuff.” He winces, because odds are, Chris now thinks he was watching porn.

Sure enough, Chris chuckles. “Stuff, huh? Yeah, I’ve been watching a lot of  _ stuff _ too, in quarantine.”

Oh, great. Just the image he needed. Sebastian laughs again, too high and not at all chill, and he’s pathetically grateful when Chris changes the subject.

“So, um,” Chris starts, and Sebastian can almost _ see _ him rubbing the back of his neck. “I’m sorry about bothering you again, you must be getting’ real sick of me.”

Sebastian frowns. “Are you kidding? Why would I be getting sick of you?”

“Oh,” Chris breathes. “Okay, great. That’s good. I just thought, since you didn’t call after we last spoke, I thought maybe you weren’t really interested in uh, reconnecting.” There’s a beat, and then Chris adds, “And that would be  _ completely  _ fine, obviously. I don’t wanna be a nuisance or, I don’t know, make you uncomfortable or anything, so if you need me to back off then just say the word and I will.” He takes an audible breath. “Sorry. I’m rambling. I’ll shut up now.”

Sebastian smiles. “Chris. You called me, I assume to talk. Shutting up would kind of defeat the purpose, right?”

“Right,” Chris laughs awkwardly. “I, um, I actually also called to ask you something.”

It’s involuntary but completely uncontrollable, the way Sebastian’s heartrate speeds up in anticipation. He clears his throat. “Sure, yeah. What is it?”

“So, feel free to say no – I won’t take it personally, I promise – but, um. I was tagged by Chris Pratt to do this challenge, for a good cause. It’s a charity that helps people get enough to eat during the pandemic situation, and basically, if you get tagged, you think of a prize that people can then win by buying lottery tickets, and the proceedings obviously go towards the cause. So for example, Pratt is doing this Jurassic World experience with whoever wins, and I’ve asked the OG6 to do a virtual hangout with the winner.”

Sebastian whistles, genuinely impressed. “That’s quite the prize, Chris. People are going to pay good money for a chance to win that.”

“That’s the idea,” Chris agrees. “So now I have to tag some people to do the challenge next, and I- I wondered if you’d be up for it? Obviously it doesn’t have to be on the same scale as what we’re doing, but I thought, maybe if I tagged you and Mackie, you guys could do something related to the Falcon and Winter Soldier show, maybe? I bet that’d do pretty well, right? What d’you think?”

If Sebastian didn’t know any better, he’d say Chris was nervous to ask him. Maybe he is.

“I think that sounds great,” Sebastian answers truthfully. “Sounds like a great cause and I’d love to help if I can. I can’t guarantee I can come up with a good enough prize for it to be worthwhile, though. I’d have to talk to my manager first. Maybe Mackie, too.”

“That’s fine,” Chris agrees quickly. “Totally get that. I could just tag you and you can have a think about it and if you can do it, great, and if not, no problem. Just let me know if you can’t and I’ll notify the organizers or think of something else.”

“Sounds good to me,” Sebastian agrees. “So when you say tag…”

Chris clicks his fingers. “Oh, yeah! So I know you don’t have Twitter, so I thought I’d just tag you on Instagram?”

Sebastian blinks. “Instagram? But you’re not on Instagram,” he says, and then cringes, because he probably isn’t supposed to be quite so aware of that fact.

Fortunately, Chris doesn’t call him out on it. “I will be, as of tonight,” he says. “Scott’s setting it up as we speak.”

“Whoa, Historical moment, huh?” Sebastian smirks. “Never thought I’d see the day.”

Chris laughs. “Me neither, to be honest. But y’know, quarantine makes you do crazy things.”

“Clearly.”

There’s a moment where they’re both silent, unsure of what to say next.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call,” Sebastian says in a rush, before he loses his nerve. “This probably sounds stupid, but… I wasn’t sure if you’d want me to?”

“Of course I would, Seb,” Chris says, sounding genuinely surprised. “I said so, didn’t I?”

“You did, you did. I just- I guess I thought maybe you were just being polite?”

Chris’s reply is instantaneous. “I wouldn’t. Not with you.”

“You wouldn’t be polite with me?” Sebastian teases.

“You know what I mean.”

“Yeah,” Sebastian smiles, and he does. “Okay. I’d love to be in touch more, Chris. Really.”

“Good, good. I’m glad.” Chris laughs, sounding a little embarrassed when he adds, “I’ve missed you, you know.”

Sebastian’s heart flutters helplessly in his chest. He swallows. “Same here, Chris. It was weird, not talking to you for so long.”

“Yeah,” Chris says. “I’m sorry. That was my fault.”

“No,” Sebastian protest. “It was no one’s fault. It was just…” He flounders, unsure how to finish that sentence.

“It was what it was,” Chris supplies.

Those words don’t really say anything at all, and yet Sebastian feels their meaning acutely. “Exactly.”

“Alright,” Chris says. “I should let you get back to your…  _ stuff _ .” It’s kind of impressive, the way he manages to convey a smirk over the phone.

Sebastian chuckles. “Thanks.”

“So, yeah, look out for that tag, and um. Let me know if you need any help or… whatever,” Chris finishes lamely.

“Will do. Thanks for giving me a heads up, anyway. I appreciate it.”

“Sure, no problem.” Chris is silent for a moment, before he tentatively asks, “So, I’ll talk to you soon?”

“Absolutely. This time we actually will.”

“Alright,” Chris repeats, sounding like he’s smiling, and Sebastian feels himself smiling in response. “Well, I’m gonna go record my first Instagram video then. Wish me luck.”

“Good luck, Chris. Speak soon.”

“Soon,” Chris echoes. “Bye, Seb.”

“Bye,” Sebastian says, and then he makes himself hang up before he blurts out something embarrassing.

He stays seated on his couch for a solid twenty seconds, before getting up on autopilot, walking over the fridge and taking out a bottle of chilled water. He takes a couple of swigs as he forces himself to clear his head as best he can and asks himself  _ what are the facts? _ The facts are that Chris really did call him, and he really did say that he wants to be in touch more regularly, and he really did sound nervous about it. But  _ why _ ? What does it mean?

Sebastian knows what he  _ wants _ it to mean, even if he shouldn’t want it, because look where he ended up last time. But he still wants it.  _ God, _ does he want it. Chris had a good reason for calling things off a few years back, though, and as far as Sebastian knows, nothing about the situation has fundamentally changed. So what prompted him to get back in touch now?

Sebastian keeps going around in circles, and it’s not going anywhere. He needs a second opinion – and who better than to get it from than Anthony Mackie?

Not giving himself time to overthink this anymore than he already was, he opens FaceTime, finds Mackie’s details, and hits call.

It rings a handful of times, and then – “Told ya you’d miss me.”

Relief floods him at seeing Mackie’s familiar, gap-toothed smile, hearing his cheerful voice, and normally he would be ribbing right back, calling Mackie by all sorts of colorful nicknames. But right now, he’s not messing around. They’ve been friends for six odd years; Sebastian knows he can get straight to the point without having to worry about offending him.

“Hi,” he says, “I need your help.”

“Whatever you need,” Mackie says immediately, and Sebastian is touched by the fact that there’s zero hesitation there. Mackie’s a true friend and although he can be a little exhausting in large doses, Sebastian appreciates him immensely.

He swallows nervously. “Um. Chris called. Twice.”

Mackie’s eyebrows shoot up. “Evans?”

It’s a fair question, seeing as they both know an excess of Chrises from their time with Marvel alone, so Sebastian just nods. “Yeah.”

“Huh,” Mackie says, thoughtful look on his face.

“You never told me you spoke to him sometimes.” Sebastian doesn’t mean for it to sound like an accusation, but he knows he’s not doing a very good job at concealing the hint of hurt in his voice.

Mackie makes a face. “Well, he’s my friend, too. Friends talk sometimes.”

“Yeah, of course,” Sebastian says quickly, wincing. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to… Sorry. I just meant, why’d you never tell me?”

“Wasn’t sure you’d want to know,” Mackie replies, shrugging like it makes perfect sense to him.

Sebastian frowns, because it doesn’t really, not to him. “Why not?”

“Well,” Mackie says patiently, “because as far as I knew you guys weren’t talking, and there was probably a good reason for that. I didn’t want to get all up in your business. Didn’t seem right to meddle, since I didn’t know all the facts. I figured, if you wanted to talk to me about it, you would.”

“Oh,” Sebastian says, a little abashed. “Right, okay. Thank you, I appreciate that.”

“Don’t mention it.” Mackie smiles, genuine as ever. “So he called you, huh? What’d he want?”

Sebastian huffs out a frustrated breath, running a hand through his messy hair. “I don’t know, that’s the problem. The first time he just called out of the blue, a couple of weeks ago, asking how I’d been. Just wanting to catch up, I guess? And he was like  _ we should do this again _ , but then he didn’t call again. Until tonight, when he called to ask me if he could tag me in this challenge thing – oh!” Sebastian says, interrupting himself. “He said he was gonna tag you, too. But he hasn’t called you?” He knows he’s jumping between topics too fast, but the whole thing has got him a little all over the place. Mackie doesn’t seem fazed, though, bless him.

“Nope – ah, I got a text.” Mackie taps the screen and leans closer, his face comically large on Sebastian’s screen for a moment. “Oh, that sounds cool,” he says once he’s read Chris’s message and put his phone at a respectable distance again. “Maybe we should do something together. Y’know, like we did with that ice bucket thing?”

“Yeah, sounds good,” Sebastian agrees quickly. “Let’s talk about that later?” 

Fortunately, Mackie seems to understand that Sebastian has other things on his mind right now, and he switches the topic back easily. “So he texted me, but he called you,” he says, arching an eyebrow. “Interesting.”

Sebastian has to forcibly tamp down the hope that bubbles in his chest, against his better judgment. “You think that means something?”

“What else did he say?”

“He said. He said he missed me,” Sebastian says, annoyed at how wobbly his voice sounds. “And he basically told me that because I don’t have Twitter, he’d get Instagram so he could tag me. I mean, he didn’t say that in so many words, but that’s the gist of it, I think.”

“Whoaa,” Anthony breathes. “He’s really going for it, huh?”

“Is he, though?” Sebastian asks, nervously biting his thumb nail. “Maybe it’s got nothing to do with me. Maybe he’s just quarantine bored and he wants to talk to people and post pictures of Dodger.”

Mackie shrugs, smiling one of those mischievous smiles of his. “I don’t know, man. Quarantine sucks, but if there’s one thing it’s good for, it’s for makin’ you think about what’s really important in life. About which things are just a nice extra, you know, a  _ luxury _ , and what we actually _ need _ .” He gives Sebastian a meaningful look before continuing, “Listen, he’s probably not going to like me tellin’ you this, but truth is, he asked about you every time I spoke to him over the past two years.”

Sebastian’s heart skips a beat. “He asked about me?”

Mackie snorts. “He probably thought he was bein’ subtle, asking me  _ So, you spoken to anyone else recently? You’re better at keeping in touch with people.  _ And then I’d tell him how you were doing, and he never once asked after anyone else.” Anthony laughs, shaking his head. “I told him once, I said y _ ou could just ask him yourself, you know? I know you know how to use a phone, Evans _ , but he always replied the same way.  _ It's not that easy, Mackie, stuff happened, he doesn't wanna talk to me. _ ”

“ _ I  _ didn’t want to talk to  _ him _ ?” Sebastian repeats incredulously. “He was the one who called things off.”

Mackie’s expression turns curious, his dark, keen eyes searching Sebastian’s face. “So what actually happened between you guys, huh? I mean, I know you were together for a while, but what went wrong? Since you’re talking about it now anyway.”

Sebastian sighs, tipping his head back and staring up at the ceiling. “Basically, Chris freaked out over the possibility that people would find out about us and the news would break. I wouldn’t have been happy about it either, but Chris  _ definitely _ wasn’t ready for that. He didn’t even fully understand what was happening yet, you know? What this thing we had meant for him, if it made him gay or bi or something else. I think he figured it was just a phase, and he’d, I don’t know,  _ grow out of it _ , I guess.” He sighs, turning his eyes back to Mackie on his phone screen. “I was… upset, but I understood that he couldn’t jeopardize his whole career, his whole life, for something that might turn out to be a one-off thing, you know? What if we broke up after it all came out and it had all been for nothing?”

Shaking his head, Mackie sighs. “Loving someone is always gonna be a risk, Sebastian. He shoulda realized that. I get that he was scared, I do, but he was still a fool for letting your ass go so easily. I ain’t exactly an expert on love or anything, but even I could see how in love you two were. That was the real deal, man.”

Sebstian nods slowly, mulling over Mackie’s words. “Yeah, it was. At least, I thought so,” he amends, frowning. “He just got so in his own head about things, and it was harder on him than it was on me, with how it was all new for him and he was under a lot more scrutiny, and I didn’t want to make him do anything he didn’t want to do. So I didn’t fight his decision.”

“But now you feel you should have?”

Sebastian’s sigh seems to be dragged up from the deepest part of him. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

“So,” Mackie says, voice deceptively casual, “he the one that got away, then?”

Swallowing against the sudden lump in his throat, Sebastian gives a jerky nod. “Think so. Yes.”

Mackie nods too, his expression all kindness and sympathy, but without a trace of pity. Once again, Sebastian is ridiculously grateful for his friendship.

“So what do I do, Mackie?”

“Well,” Mackie says slowly, “I’m thinkin’ maybe he didn’t. Get away, I mean. Look, I love you, man, don’t get me wrong, but it’s time one of y’all grew a pair, y’know? And if you’re askin’ me, I think that’s what this is. I think Chris is reaching out now because he wants to see if you’d wanna get back together. But he’s probably worried he fucked things up beyond repair so he’s tip-toeing around and making shit more confusing than it needs to be because he’s an idiot. Basically.”

Sebastian snorts, because it might be a harsh assessment, but it’s not necessarily wrong.

“So,” Mackie continues, “I know this probably isn’t what you wanna hear, but I think it’s up to you now to make the next move. You gotta swim out to him a little, you know? Meet him halfway, show him you’re interested back. And don’t go bein’ all subtle about it either, just tell him something that leaves no doubt as to what you mean.”

Sebastian covers his entire face with his free hand and mutters, “So what you’re saying is I should tell him that I still miss him so bad I worry I won’t ever be able to love anyone as much as I loved him?”

Mackie let’s out a low whistle through his teeth. “Damn. That bad, huh?”

“Uh huh.”

“Well, all the more reason to go for it. I’d hate to sound like a walkin’ talkin’ cliché here, but you’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain, man.” And he’s right. It certainly feels like Sebastian has plenty to lose still, but it’s nothing compared to what he could potentially gain.

Blowing out a slow breath, Sebastian gives him a brittle smile. “Fuck. Thanks, Mackie. I knew I called you for a reason.”

“Anytime, brother,” Mackie smiles back, wide and genuine. “You got this, alright?”

“Alright,” Sebastian nods, even if he’s not sure if he’s feeling it yet. “I’ll call again soon to catch up properly, okay?”

“You better, ‘cause I wanna know how this thing plays out. Don’t leave me hangin’, Sea Bass.”

“I won’t, I promise.”

“And tell that Evans that if he fucks this up, imma fuck him up, alright?”

Sebastian is still laughing by the time he ends the call, feeling not necessarily ready, but definitely more clearheaded than before. To be perfectly honest, he’d rather go stand naked on his balcony (on the street side) for half an hour than call Chris, but he knows he has to do it. It won’t be an easy conversation – too much past hurt and an undeniable risk of being hurt again, but maybe, just maybe, this could work out.

Maybe he could be happy.

Sebastian’s therapist would say he owed himself that shot at happiness, and after years of hashing out his innermost thoughts and fears with the guy, Sebastian is inclined to agree. He makes up his mind to call Chris later that night, and in the meantime, he keeps an eye on Instagram.

His nerves skyrocket when Chris’s account does eventually appear, even though the picture of a tree makes Sebastian scratch his head. It’s got the blue tick, though, and Scott starts following the account soon after, so it must be legit. Sebastian debates whether or not to follow Chris, but in the end decides against it. People would just start talking and drawing all sorts of conclusions off him liking or not liking Chris’s posts, and honestly, he can do without the speculation – especially since he’s not sure what’s going yet himself.

When Chris posts the video to his Instagram, he looks so gorgeous that Sebastian almost loses his newfound courage all over again. He groans out loud – that fucking buzz cut and sweater that brings out his eyes, _ fucking hell  _ – and almost misses Chris saying his name. Chris saying Sebastian’s name on his brand new Instagram account which he’s had for less than an hour. His brand new Instagram account which he’s had for less than an hour and which he seems to have created purely so he’d be able to say Sebastian’s name, or tag him or whatever.  _ Right _ , Sebastian tells himself. If Chris can do all this, then he can call Chris. Video call him, even. It’s always better to see each other’s faces when having complicated conversations; much less potential for miscommunication. They’ve had their fair share of that already.

But first, Sebastian needs some fresh air.

Putting on his mask and gloves, he heads down to the ground floor, nodding to one of his neighbors who enters the elevator as he’s coming out of it. He walks in the direction of Washington Square Park, making sure to avoid other people on the sidewalk as he bobs his head along to some 80s synth pop that never fails to put a spring in his step. As someone who’s prone to anxiety, he knows how important it is to stay active and be outside, so he goes for a walk or a run at least once a day, aiming for times when it’s not too busy and staying away from any hotspots.

It’s strange, seeing the streets of New York so empty. Sometimes it frightens him, the post-apocalyptic feel of it all, and sometimes it’s inspiring to see people braving the scary conditions, not letting themselves be ruled by fear but still making sure they stay safe and keep others safe as well.

Well, most people do, at least.

The other week, Sebastian actually teared up when he passed an elderly lady who was blasting Sinatra’s  _ New York, New York _ from her front porch. He loves this city so much, and it saddens him to see it so scared and subdued, but he’s also proud. Proud that although the city has changed, the spirit is still there. They’ll get through this together, he knows that much. It’s just a question of when.

When he gets back to his apartment, Sebastian scrubs his hands furiously with steaming hot water and then makes himself a sandwich. Not that he can really eat more than a bite or two, with the nerves roiling around in his stomach. He thinks about having a drink, some Dutch courage, but decides against it. He wants to be clearheaded for this. If he fucks this up, it won’t be because he was stupid enough to get drunk beforehand.

He has a final look in the mirror, fusses over his hair a bit – okay, a lot – and debates whether he should change, or maybe shave. Eventually, he tells himself to calm the fuck down, channel Shia LaBeouf and just  _ do it _ .

He calls Chris on FaceTime, heart in his throat as he watches his own nervous face while the phone rings, half hoping Chris won’t pick up.

No such luck. Chris’s gorgeous, smiling face appears on Sebastian’s phone screen in full HD, and Sebastian’s stomach flips over itself in response. He’s so beautiful. Chris doesn’t seem to have aged a day since Sebastian last saw him, or maybe he just gets more handsome with every passing year – but whatever it is, the result is stunning. Chris has changed into a navy cable-knit since shooting the Instagram video. He looks cozy and relaxed, and Sebastian aches.

“Hey! Seb,” Chris beams at him, all blue, blue eyes and blinding smile. “What’s up? You need more info about the challenge or somethin’?”

“Ah, no,” Sebastian shakes his head. “No, not about the challenge. I just- I kind of wanted to ask you something, if this isn’t a bad time?”

“Oh,” Chris’s eyebrows slowly inch up towards his hairline. “Sure, yeah, let me go somewhere private.”

He gets up from where he’d been sitting when Sebastian called, when Scott suddenly sticks his head in front of the camera, waving frantically and cooing, “ _ Hi, _ Sebastian!”

Sebastian blinks in surprise, and just about manages to give him a smile and a “Hey,” before Chris is shooing Scott out of the way and closing a door behind him.

“There we go,” Chris says, sitting down and looking at him expectantly. “Shoot!”

Sebastian decides to come straight out with it. Rip off the band aid and all that.

“Why did you call me, Chris?”

There’s a beat, and then Chris face does something complicated. “Why did I..?” he stammers. “Oh, uh. Well, I- I told you I wanted to know how you were doing, and that I’d been thinking about you a lot lately and I just... I don’t know, I guess I just… missed you.”

He’s floundering, and Sebastian feels for him, but he still needs answers. “You suddenly started missing me?” He frowns in confusion. “Why now? After all this time?”

Looking like a dear in the headlights, Chris opens and closes his mouth a few times. Then, he sighs, hanging his head. “No,” he says quietly, speaking at the floor. “No, I didn’t suddenly start missing you, Seb.” He looks up, chokes out a strangled laugh, before softly admitting, “I never stopped.”

Sebastian’s heart ironically does stop then, before it starts back up again at double speed. “What does that mean?”

Chris stares at him for a long moment, emotions warring on his face that Sebastian struggles to parse. Eventually, just when Sebastian thinks he’s not going to answer at all, resignation wins out, and Chris sighs again.

“It means I’m an  _ idiot _ ,” he says, sounding pained. “It means I made a huge fucking mistake when I broke things off with you. And it means that even though I know I have no right to, not after what I put you through, I called because I was hopin’ that maybe… Maybe you missed me, too.”

It’s not like they hadn’t seen each other at all since splitting up. They still worked together a few times after that, but there was always the excuse of professionality to hide behind. Turns out it’s surprisingly easy to avoid difficult conversations when you’ve got a dozen cameras pointed at you at all times, and a dozen co-stars to talk to instead of each other. It was a wry sort of luck that management had decided to keep them apart during the last promo tours because they didn’t want to draw unnecessary attention to the relationship between Steve and Bucky – but that’s a whole other hornet’s nest. Stupidly, Sebastian hadn’t been able to stop himself from hugging Chris at the Endgame premiere, just the once. He’d paid for that for weeks afterwards, the smell of Chris’s cologne lingering in his nose, the feel of his arms squeezing around him, comforting and familiar, taunting him when he was in his bed alone at night.

Sebastian only realizes he’s shaking when he brings a hand to his mouth, rubbing at his beard as he processes what Chris is telling him.

“So you,” he starts, then has to stop to swallow down the lump in his throat. “You want to…” he tries again, but he can’t bring himself to say it. Even after what Chris has just confessed to him, part of him is still scared that he has misunderstood somehow.

Chris mirrors Sebastian’s nervous gesture, covering his mouth with a big hand, inhaling deeply through his nose. “Sebastian,” he says after a long moment, and something about his tone makes Sebastian’s breathing go shallow. “I know… I know I was the one who broke things off, and I  _ swear _ at the time I thought I was doing what I had to do. But I’ve realized something, recently. Ever since we split up, I’ve felt like there was something  _ missing _ . I felt – incomplete. I tried finding what I had with you with someone else, but nothing would stick, so after a while, I just… gave up. Threw myself into my work, figured maybe that whole ‘true love, settling down’ thing wasn’t for me after all. And it seemed to work, too, for a while.” He laughs, though it’s not a happy sound. “But then quarantine happened and  _ man _ , the things you discover about yourself when you’re locked up in a big, empty house with no one but your brother for company.”

Suddenly, Chris tips his head back, letting out a frustrated groan. “God, listen to me monologuing again, how fuckin’  _ typical _ .” He shakes his head, clearly annoyed with himself. “Anyway, my point is, these past few months, I’ve had a lot of time to think about what’s really, truly important to me, and one night I got talking to Scott about my love life – or lack thereof, I suppose – and I ended up telling him about you and me, and –”

“You told Scott?” Sebastian interrupts, shocked.

“Yeah.” Chris gives him a small, sweet smile, tinged with melancholy. “Yeah, I did. He knocked some sense into me. Told me he’d never seen me happier than right after I got back from Asia. That I was foolin’ myself pretending I wasn’t the ‘happy ever after’ kind. And he was right, you know? I’ve never been happier than when I was with you. I realize that now. And I know it’s not an excuse, but back then… I somehow let the noise drown out everything else, all the good things we had, and I should  _ never  _ have let it. But I did. And I’ve regretted it ever since.” He sighs, the look on his face turning pleading. “So I guess why I called, what I wanted to ask you, is –”

“I love you.”

Chris’s face goes slack with surprise, his mouth forming a silent o. To be honest, Sebastian surprises himself, too. It just tumbles out, without any conscious input or permission from his brain. He’s been listening to Chris explain himself with growing incredulity and something a lot like  _ hope _ and it seems it’s reached boiling point now because he just… says it.  _ I love you _ .

They stare at each other in shock for a moment, and then, before Sebastian can chicken out, he makes himself say it again.

“I love you,” he breathes, before drawing in a shaky breath. “I’m sorry if– I don’t know if you... But it’s true. I loved you, back then.” When he laughs, it has a mildly hysterical ring to it. “God, Chris, I loved you so much sometimes I thought I was gonna explode with it, just bleed it all over the place for everyone to see. It scared me, sometimes. Not for me, necessarily, but because of you. Because I didn’t want to overwhelm you or drive you away, so I pretended it was more casual for me than it was. That I was  _ upset _ when you broke things off, but not devastated.” Sucking his bottom lip into his mouth, Sebastian fights back the tears prickling behind his eyelids, threatening to spill. “But I was,” he whispers, once he trusts his voice enough to speak again. “I understood, though, why you wanted to end it. I didn’t resent you for it. But it hurt like a  _ bitch _ . I was so gone on you, Chris.” He takes a deep, steadying breath. “I still am.”

“Sebastian…” Chris says, pleading, looking like he’s close to tears as well. “I’m so sorry I put you through that.  _ So _ fucking sorry. If I could go back in time and change what happened, I would. In a heartbeat. I mean it, Seb.”

Sebastian nods, but doesn’t reply, afraid he’ll actually cry if he does.

Chris hesitates for a long moment, and finally says, “I heard you and Margo called it quits. You guys were still just… helpin’ each other out, right? Like you were when we… you know? Or did something change, after?”

Sebastian shakes his head. “No, nothing changed. I didn’t really mean for it to go on for so long, but it worked out great for us both for a long time, so… But she met a girl. We always said we could break off the arrangement we had if we met someone.” He swallows. “Kinda hoped it would be me who did, but hey, that’s life.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, Seb.”

“Are you, though?” Sebastian asks urgently. “Because I was  _ so _ fucking relieved when I heard you and Jenny broke up. Does that make me a horrible person?”

Chris’s reply is immediate. “ _ No _ , Sebastian. Never. Jesus, you’re one of the best people I know.”

Even if he finds it hard to believe, Sebastian knows Chris means it. He’s not one to say these things lightly.

“And there hasn’t been anyone else?” Sebastian presses, because however much he wants to answer to be no, he finds it hard to believe Chris hasn’t dated more than one person in the past three years. “No one you thought might be… better? For you? Than me, I mean.”

“Not even close,” Chris admits, the look in his eyes so soft it makes Sebastian feel a little lightheaded.

“Okay,” Sebastian nods. “Alright.”

“How about you?” The question is tentative, as if Sebastian hadn’t just told Chris he was still desperately in love with him.

“Nah,” Sebastian replies, shaking his head. “Dated some, but it didn’t work out. No one serious. Couldn’t commit to someone who... you know. Wasn’t you.” Might as well put all his cards on the table, at this point.

The look Chris gives him then tells Sebastian he knows exactly what he’s talking about. A second later, a hopeful smile starts tugging at the corner of Chris’s mouth. “So, I guess that means nothing’s stopping us from giving this another try, right?”

Sebastian lets himself really think about that for a moment. “What about your career, though? Your political… stuff?”

“I’ve done the career thing,” Chris shrugs. “I can still act without a career, if I wanted to. I’d never actually go into politics, not seriously anyway, and dating a guy doesn’t have to prevent me from being politically active.”

For a moment, Sebastian marvels at how resolved Chris sounds, how sure of his case. It’s a stark contrast to a few years ago, and despite how overwhelmed he’s feeling, Sebastian can’t help but feel a little proud, too.

“I’m actually more worried about you,” Chris finishes, teeth worrying his bottom lip.

“Yeah,” Sebastian sighs. “Me too, a little bit. But I’m willing to take the risk. It’s  _ my _ risk to take, Chris,” he adds when he sees Chris is about to argue. “Let me make my own decisions about this, this time.”

Chris closes his mouth, looking duly chastised. A silence falls between them then and for a few long beats they just look at each other. There’s so much in Chris’s eyes in that moment, reflecting how Sebastian feels. Nervous, elated; scared but hopeful at the same time. But above everything, Sebastian  _ wants _ . He wants to give this thing with Chris another go, wants to see if it could work out, if they could be happy together.

Chris licks his lips, and Sebastian traces the movement, aching with how much he wants to taste them again.

As if he’s reading Sebastian’s mind, Chris says, “God, I wish I could kiss you right now.”

Sebastian makes a sound, small and entirely without his permission. Their conversation has left him feeling raw and open, and right now there is nothing he wants more than for Chris to kiss him. To taste Chris again, feel the way he kisses with all he is, giving him everything. The way Chris makes Sebastian feel like there’s nothing in the world more important to him than him.

Sebastian smiles, a little unsteady. “Fuck this quarantine, huh?”

“As soon as it’s over, I swear to god I’m gettin' in my car and driving to New York.” With a crooked smile, Chris adds, “Until then, I guess we’ll just have to make do with  _ technology _ .” He says it like it’s a dirty word, and considering both their difficulties with newfangled gadgets – another thing they bonded over – that’s probably how he meant it, too.

“I can call you, though?” Sebastian asks, a trace of hesitance still lingering. “Whenever I want?”

“Yeah, baby,” Chris says, his voice soft, just like his eyes. The endearment sends a shiver down Sebastian’s spine – nothing’s changed there then, in the past three and a half years. “Whenever you like. Call me, text me, FaceTime me – hell, send me an email, if you want. I’ll be here waiting for all of it.” He laughs, and this time the sound rings out, clear and joyful. “I waited for you this long, what’s another couple of months, eh?” 

Sebastian pouts. “I forgot how annoyingly optimistic you were,” he says, and then basks in the sunshine of Chris’s full-belly laugh. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> LA is hot, New York is also kind of hot, and the boys are definitely hot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut, with a healthy dose of feelings ❤

It’s warm in LA. Not yet stifling, but warm enough for Chris to open his floor-to-ceiling windows when he wakes up in the morning and only close them again after the sun has set. Dodger’s thrilled, loves being able to run in and out and lie on the sun-warmed stones on the patio at the back and occasionally jump into the pool even though Chris has expressly asked him not to.

They’ve been in LA for a few days now, coming out here to help Scott move his stuff from his old apartment, which he’d shared with Zach before they broke up, to his new place. It was unfortunate that they had to travel, given the conditions, but the lease on the old place was up so Scott didn’t really have a choice. He could’ve just hired a moving company to do it for him, but Chris knew how much of an emotional roller coaster this move was bound to be for his brother. He hadn’t wanted him to have to go through it alone, so he’d offered to come with, and Scott had gratefully accepted his help.

Initially, Chris had planned on heading back to Boston as soon as they were done in LA, because LA is nice, but he likes being on the East Coast better. It’s home to him, in a way LA never really could be. And alright, he’s man enough to admit that he’d rather be closer to where Sebastian is, even if they can’t actually be physically together for a while yet. Ironically, it was actually Sebastian who’d convinced him to stay for a while. _Chris,_ _don’t be an idiot,_ he’d said. _It’s not like it actually matters whether you’re 300 or 3000 miles away, does it? Go get some sun, read by the pool. It’ll be good for you._ And he was right, of course. It’s going to be a while yet before they’ll be able to meet up in person, what with the ongoing situation in New York in particular, and Chris could still be on a plane to JFK as soon as they got the all clear.

The change of scenery actually does do him good, he’s noticed, and while it’s odd suddenly not having Scott around 24/7 anymore, there is also something to be said for having some privacy. Especially since Sebastian and Chris are spending a ridiculous amount of time on the phone together most days, either talking or just doing their own thing but with their phones or laptops set up so they can see each other. It’s almost like they’re hanging out together. Almost. 

Today, Sebastian and Chris have spent most of the morning – or early afternoon for Sebastian, who’s now three hours ahead of him – working out together. Chris hooked his phone up to his TV (sometimes technology does have its merits) so that he can see Sebastian on a bigger screen – because the more Seb, the better, if you ask him. 80s music is blasting from Sebastian’s speakers, from Michael Jackson to New Order, and from Guns ‘n Roses to Wham, a capricious soundtrack to their endless pushups and crunches and jump squats. Occasionally, one of them will break out into an impromptu dance routine, because that’s just what they do. And besides, they’re happy and in love and frankly a little drunk on it, still. Dodger is thoroughly enjoying it too, jumping around with Chris, getting in the way and barking enthusiastically whenever things get a little loud.

Because working out in 80 degrees tends to get a guy a little sweaty, Chris is just wearing some basketball shorts, no shirt. It’s not as hot in New York, but it’s warm enough, and especially when exercising, so after about half an hour, Sebastian loses his shirt as well. He’s toned and remarkably tanned - you wouldn’t be able to tell he hasn’t been to the gym or the beach in a while. As always, he gets all bashful when Chris compliments him, so of course Chris makes sure to tell him how amazing he looks. Multiple times. There’s few things he loves more than getting Sebastian to blush and squirm.

Chris has seen him shirtless before of course, but right now, Sebastian is sweaty and panting and a little flushed and it’s not Chris’s fault that his lizard brain associates that with sex. Sebastian is doing crunches, and Chris may have stopped what he was doing because he got distracted by the ripple of Sebastian’s abs and the thin sheen of sweat that’s making his skin glisten enticingly, by the tiny little puffs of air Sebastian is blowing out, almost like little moans. When he finishes the last of his reps, Sebastian groans as he stretches out on the floor. Chris makes a small sound in the back of his throat.

Sebastian turns his head to look at Chris on the screen, giving him a questioning look. In reply, Chris just lets his gaze trail the length of Sebastian’s body, head to toe and back again. When their eyes meet, Sebastian is smirking, slowly licking his lips as he holds Chris’s gaze. It should be over the top – it  _ is _ – but man, is it doing it for Chris.

Chris lets out a shaky breath. “Okay,” he says gruffly. “We’re takin’ this to the bedroom.”

Sebastian laughs, still a little breathless, muttering a cocky, “Yes, sir” under his breath. The stern look Chris gives him at that has Sebastian’s giggles dying down and his eyes growing darker in an instant.

Chris makes Dodger stay in the living room, ignoring his literal puppy dog eyes, because he just cannot stomach the idea of his baby being in the same room as him when he’s having sex. Dogs may not actually mind, but Chris sure does.

He makes a beeline for the bedroom and quickly hooks his phone up to his TV again. Sebastian does the same in his room, back in New York, setting up his phone on the dresser at the end of his bed.

Already, Chris is buzzing, both with residual energy from the workout but mostly in anticipation. He nearly drops his phone twice, cursing as he fumbles with it, before he manages to prop it up properly against a stack of books. This isn’t the first time they’ve had phone sex since getting back together, but there’s still a lingering hint of awkwardness. Not between the two of them; they’ve managed to resolve so many lingering issues just by using their words, this time around. But being alone in a room, with the other person on speaker phone, is still different from losing yourself in each other, existing that little bubble that seems to exist in a different dimension from everyday life.

Still, Chris can’t deny there’s also something exciting and thrilling about doing it this way. They’re both adults, both single, and yet it feels a little like they’re teenagers again, sneaking around in their bedrooms while their parents are downstairs. Besides, baring yourself in front of a camera will always feel a little bit illicit, a little scary even, but Chris can get over it pretty quickly, especially since he knows Sebastian actually loves it. He did back when they were first together, and apparently that hasn’t changed, because when Chris tells him to get naked, Sebastian groans like he’s embarrassed – but when he drops his shorts, he’s already hard.

“Ohh,” Chris says, keeping his voice low and teasing as he drags his eyes up and down Sebastian’s naked body. “Look at that, hmm? Actin’ shy, but you  _ love  _ it, don’t you?” Sebastian just puffs out a breath and rolls his eyes, but his blush tells Chris all he needs to know. “C’mon,” he goads, “gimme a little twirl, honey. Show me that beautiful ass, don’t be shy.”

“Jesus,” Sebastian mutters, turning slowly on the spot. The tips of his ears are red. “Could you sound any more like we’re in a bad porno?”

Chris grins, slow and shark-like. “Sure,” he drawls, “I know that gets you hot, baby. You don’t need to pretend around me, remember?” He cocks his head. “Why don’t you grab some supplies and make yourself comfortable, huh? I think I wanna watch you while you make yourself feel good, whaddaya think?”

“Oh my god,” Sebastian huffs, but he still does as he’s told.

A few nights after they decided to give this thing another try, they’d been lying in their respective beds, talking softly – pillow talk, of sorts, though not quite the same. In hushed, halting words, Sebastian had confessed to him how he’d never had it so good as he did with Chris, after they split. That he’d looked, tried with other people, but never really found anybody who could ever give him what he needed like Chris had done.

Chris remembers it well, how he had first discovered that Sebastian enjoyed,  _ needed _ certain things. At the time, he’d been embarrassingly grateful that Sebastian trusted him enough to show him that side of him, and Chris had tried to show him in return how much he liked it, too. How much he loved that heady feeling of being given complete control over someone he cared about, someone who’s usually strong and determined and independent, but who didn’t always _ want _ to be. Who sometimes just wanted to  _ feel _ and be taken care of, and drift, safe in the knowledge Chris was there to catch him if he fell.

So yeah, Chris had missed that intimacy, too, but it wasn’t until Sebastian told him that Chris realized how much deeper it went for Sebastian – how bereft he’d felt after he’d found someone to fulfill those needs the way he’d craved for so long, only for them to take it away from him again. So when Sebastian had told him about it, Chris had felt like absolute shit for having left this sweet, beautiful man high and dry with no one to give him what he needed. He’d vowed to himself right there and then that he would do everything he could to make it up to him, even if it took him a lifetime. Recently, they’ve been easing back into it slowly, both of them worried to overwhelm the other. Chris has been sweet talking Sebastian, most nights when they’re in bed and chasing their pleasure under the covers, little whispered commands here and there, but nothing too serious. This time, Chris feels, they might take it a bit further.

Chris is seated on the edge of his own bed, staring hard at his TV screen, already more engrossed in what it’s showing him than he would’ve been if it’d been some award winning movie. They’ve done this phone sex thing a few times before over the past few weeks, though it’s mostly been some mutual jacking off with their phones pressed to their ear in bed at night. Nothing like this. So forgive him for ogling a little, taking in Sebastian’s naked body, laid out on his bed. He’s propped himself up against a stack of pillows, made himself comfortable just like Chris had asked him to. Blowing out a slow breath, Chris lets his hand drift to his own dick, palming his growing hardness through the fabric of his shorts.

“Fuck,” he breathes, like it’s coming from his toes. “ _ Look  _ at you, Seb. You’re stunning, you know that? You know that, don’t you?”

“Chris,” Sebastian sighs, eyes squeezed shut and his hands curled into fists on either side of him, like he’s fighting the urge to cover himself up. “Come on, please.”

“Sshhh, just let me look at you for a little while,” Chris admonishes softly. “It’s been so long since I’ve seen you like this, baby. Missed you like crazy, you know? I kept trying to remember, how you looked. None of my memories did you justice, though. God.”

Chris has never made a secret of his appreciation for the female body, with its curves and the way it gives under his hands, soft and pliant. But he’s long come to terms with the fact that the hard, strong lines of another man’s body can get him just as hot. With Sebastian, Chris had learned how much he liked to feel his strength not matched, but close; that he could be a little rough and occasionally get manhandled a little in return. That, in particular, had been a bit of a revelation. But he’s also learned that he’s surprisingly good at sucking cock – not as good as Sebastian, but no one is, Chris is pretty sure. Privately, Chris isn’t ashamed to acknowledge that he’s got lips made to be wrapped around a dick, and that he loves the weight of it on his tongue, the musky taste and scent of arousal that’s so different but just as good as that of a woman. Hell, he even loves swallowing. In bed, he’s always loved being as close to his partners as he physically can, craving that feeling of practically melting into one, and swallowing is about the closest one person can get to another.

While Chris looks his fill, Sebastian squirms under the weight of Chris’s gaze. His cock lies against his abdomen, hard and flushed even though he hasn’t yet put a hand on himself.

“So goddamn pretty,” Chris marvels. “Christ, you’re makin’ my mouth water. I wanna put my mouth on you so bad, honey. Suck that pretty dick of yours till you’re begging, make you feel so good.”

Sebastian whimpers, teeth sunk into his lower lip and biting so hard the usually plump, pink flesh turns white. “I want it,” he whispers. “Fuck, Chris, want it so bad.” 

“Yeah?” Chris asks, voice low and smooth. “You wanna fuck my mouth, Sebastian?”

Sebastian nods helplessly, hips bucking up into the air but still not touching himself. Because he hasn’t been told him he could yet. Chris feels almost dizzy with affection.

“Touch yourself,” he orders gently. “Touch yourself like you’d like me to touch you, okay? Can you do that for me? I want you to imagine it’s my hands on you, that it’s me makin’ you feel good.”

“You do,” Sebastian says, without hesitation, sounding completely serious about it. “You do make me feel good.”

Despite how turned on he already is, Chris can’t help but smile, a slow, warm smile that starts in the center of his chest and gradually spreads outward. He’s been getting that a lot, since they got back together. Sebastian is so fucking  _ cute _ . He’s beautiful and sexy as fuck, but he’s also just unbearably cute. Especially now, with his wild, soft-looking curls like a halo around his head, his cherry-red lips surrounded by his beautiful, full beard that makes him look so very handsome.

“Yeah? I’m glad, honey. You deserve to feel good.”

“So do you,” Sebastian says sweetly, still earnest. “I wish I was there, Chris. I’d be so good for you, I swear.”

“Oh, you are,” Chris tells him, putting as much conviction in his words as possible. “You’re so good for me, baby. Doing exactly as I told you, aren’t you?”

Sebastian nods, sliding his left hand slowly up his own torso. His fingers ghost over a nipple, coaxing a shuddery breath from him, before he rubs it a little more intently. Chris remembers how sensitive Sebastian is, so damn receptive to his every touch, and when Sebastian briefly pinches one of his nipples, Chris’s dick twitches in sympathy.

“You look so good like this. You’re so fucking  _ sexy.”  _ Chris chuckles. “And yeah, I know that sounds like a line, but it’s true. Never seen anything like you, Seb, I swear to god.”

Sebastian holds his gaze – looking at him, drinking in the words, the praise – as he runs his right hand down his abdomen until his long, elegant fingers curl around his erection. When Chris nods at him, he starts to stroke himself slowly, almost hesitantly. There’s no real intent there, yet, but Chris has a few ideas as to how he can change that. “You can take some lube, if you want. Go on,” he prompts, when Sebastian just gives him a questioning look, “you know it’ll feel even better.”

Sebastian lets go of himself long enough to grab the bottle of KY Jelly and pump some into his palm, warming it up a little, which Chris quietly praises him for, before wrapping his slick hand around his dick again and spreading it down his shaft. He shivers. The small sigh he lets out doesn’t escape Chris’s notice and has him giving his own dick another squeeze through his shorts.

“How’s that feel?” he queries. “Feel good?”

Sebastian nods, bottom lip caught between pearly white teeth again as he keeps slowly moving his hand up and down his cock. His long, lean legs are stretched out, spread just enough for easy access, but Chris wants to see more.

“Open your legs a little more,” he directs. “C’mon, don’t be shy, honey. Wanna see all of you, if you’ll let me. You gonna let me, Sebastian?”

“Okay,” Sebastian breathes. He plants his feet on the mattress, opening his legs a little further, Chris the view he’s been dreaming of. Just as Chris remembers, Sebastian is groomed to perfection, the base of his dick surrounded by trimmed and tidy dark hair, his balls already drawn up high, bare and almost cute in a way that makes Chris’s heart ache and his dick throb.

Chris groans, slowly shaking his head from side to side. “You know what I’d do if I was there with you? Do you? I’d lie down between your legs, kiss the inside of your thighs, maybe give you a little bit of that beard burn you love so much, huh? And then I’d bury my face between your legs and smell you, taste you – Fuck, I’ve missed the way you taste, missed it so fucking much, honey. And then I’d kiss you there, that soft, sweet part of you right there, kiss and suck and lick you open till you’re squirming for me, till you’re squeezing my head with your thighs, beggin’ me to fuck you.” Chris blows out a quick, sharp breath, steadying himself as he watches Sebastian on the screen. “How’s that sound, baby? Would you like that?”

Sebastian is actually squirming now, his breathing quick and shallow and his eyes closed as he listens to Chris’s voice, soaking up all the filth and praise. His hand hasn’t stopped moving on his dick, but it hasn’t sped up yet, either.

“God, you’re so fucking  _ hot _ , Seb,” Chris groans, dramatically letting himself fall backwards onto the mattress and covering his face with his hands. “I can’t handle it, I just -- I can’t. You  _ gotta _ gimme a break here, baby.”

“Chris,  _ please _ ,” Sebastian’s voice comes through his speakers, urgent. “You too, come on.”

Chris pushes himself up onto his elbows, raising his eyebrows. “Me too?”

“Wanna see you,” Sebastian pouts – actually pouts – and Chris very nearly coos. He doesn’t though, doesn’t want to run the risk of Sebastian feeling like Chris isn’t taking him seriously, so instead he just nods and gets to his feet, quickly shedding his shorts and underwear. His own cock is hard and flushed, cut where Sebastian’s isn’t, standing out from his body. He presses it up against his belly with the palm of his left hand, moaning quietly at the feeling of skin on skin, even if he’d much prefer Sebastian’s hands on him than his own.

When he looks back at the screen, Sebastian is staring at him like he wants to eat him alive, dark eyes roving from Chris’s chest to his cock, his thighs and his shoulders, hot and hungry.

“Like what you see?” Chris teases, flexing his arms and chest a little, just to tease.

“ _ Yeah _ ,” Sebastian says, deadly serious. “Fuck. I want you. Want you so bad, Chris, Jesus.”

“I know, baby. I wish I was there with you so bad, you have no idea.” Chris sits back down on the edge of the bed, taking his cock in hand and lazily fisting it. He swipes a thumb over the head, spreading moisture down the length of his erection. He’s bigger than Sebastian, longer and wider, something that made Sebastian a little self-conscious in the beginning. Chris never minded in the slightest, though. He’s always felt like it’s another one of those ways in which they complemented each other, fit together perfectly like two pieces of a puzzle.

“If I was there,” he goes on, keeping his voice low, a rumble that Sebastian loves. “I would lie down on top of you, press you down into the bed, kiss up on you till you’re all out of breath and panting for it, hmm?”

Sebastian makes a small sound, his hand starting to move a little faster.

“Yeah,” Chris grins, “you like that, don’t you? Me holding you down, lovin’ on you till you’re begging me for more?”

“Ahh, yes -  _ shit _ .”

“What would you beg for, Sebastian? Tell me.”

Taking a shuddery breath, Sebastian closes his eyes. “Want you--” he starts hesitantly, licking his lips as he visibly struggles to find the right words through the haze of lust that’s started clouding up his head. “I need… h-hands, your hands.”

“Yeah,” Chris agrees. “You like my hands, don’t you? Tell me what you like about ‘em.”

“They’re big,” Sebastian says, licking his lips. “Strong.”

“You like it when I wrap ‘em around your hips, pinning you down? A little rough, maybe, leavin’ a coupla bruises? Am I right?”

“Uh, huh,” Sebastian nods, circling his hips as he fucks up into his fist. “And – your fingers.”

“What about them?”

“Want them in me,” Sebastian says breathlessly.

Chris groans, closing his eyes for a second. “Yeah? You want me to slip you a couple of fingers, sweetheart? Well, I told ya you should touch yourself and pretend it’s me, didn’t I, so why don’t you do it yourself?”

“’S not the same,” Sebastian sighs, slumping in disappointment. “Not thick enough. Believe me, I tried.”

Chris groans, half a word away from getting on a plane and heading over to SoHo, quarantine be damned “I’m sorry, sweetheart,” he says, genuinely regretful. “You’re gonna have to wait a little while longer for that, but I promise I’ll make it up to you as soon as I can, okay? Now, can you roll over a bit? Turn onto your side for me?” Chris hums approvingly when Sebastian does as he’s told, and adds, “Now spread your legs a little – that’s it. Can you reach, like this?”

Sebastian nods. “This works.” He’s on his left side, right leg hitched up towards his torso a little.

“Good, that’s great. Alright, come on, honey. You know what to do.”

Blowing out a breath, Sebastian grabs the lube again. His hands are shaking as he slicks up a few of his fingers before he reaches behind himself, fingers dipping between his cheeks. He shivers as his slippery fingertips ghosting over his hole, just stroking, not pressing in yet.

“That’s it,” Chris praises, drawing out his vowels. “you’re doin’ so well, Sebastian. You pretending they’re my fingers, rubbing up on you? Does it feel good?”

“Y-yeah, I want –” Sebastian says, then stops abruptly, worrying his lip between his teeth.

“You want more?” Chris guesses. “That’s okay, you can do whatever you like, alright? You don’t gotta ask me for permission. Go on,” he urges, “I know you need it.”

Sebastian’s brow furrows, eyes still closed, as he pushes the first finger inside himself, pressing it in to the second knuckle. As he starts to move it in and out, Chris keeps talking to him, telling him what a great job he’s doing, how beautiful he looks like this, how good he’s being for him. By the time Sebastian’s got two fingers buried deep inside himself, he’s panting, chest flushed, expanding with each inhale, a lock of dark hair stuck to his forehead. He’s a sight to behold. Chris takes a moment to drink him in, just watching.

“Come on baby,” he says eventually, “make it feel good. Can you do that for me?”

Sebastian blinks at him, then nods, slowly pulling his fingers out almost all the way before sliding them back in, moaning softly as he goes.

It’s then that Chris notices how far he’s leaning forward, nose almost pressed right up against the TV screen and his tongue practically lolling out of his mouth, panting for it like a dog. But Christ, can you blame him? Sebastian is entrancing like this, gorgeous in his need. As he watches Sebastian get lost in fingering himself, Chris starts to jerk himself off properly, tight passes of his fist over his cock, squeezing and slipping his palm over the head, the way he likes it.

“That’s it,” Chris murmurs, his voice turning gravelly with lust. “My pretty baby. Look so fucking beautiful like this, all spread out just for me, huh?”

“Oh,” Sebastian breathes, “feels good –  _ ahh, _ Chris _. _ ”

Chris does coo this time, softly, like he can’t help it. “Good boy, Sebastian, so good for me… Can you speed up a little, fuck yourself a little faster? And let me hear you, wanna hear all those pretty sounds you make. You know how much I love ‘em.”

As if he’d been subconsciously holding back up until that point, a groan breaks free from Sebastian’s throat, loud and uninhibited, shooting straight to Chris’s dick.

“Fuckin’ hell, you’re so--  _ fuck _ ,” Chris breathes, awed, fisting his own cock a little faster as he gently massages his balls in his palm with other hand. With his left hand, Sebastian is still holding on to his own dick, too, but his focus seems to be more on the fingers of his right hand thrusting into his ass, easier now that he’s been at it a while.

“You found your sweet spot yet, baby?” Chris asks. When Sebastian gives a tiny shake of his head, he orders, “Go on, find it for me. I’d do it myself if I was there. Get right up close, work you open on my fingers. Fuck your sweet spot till you’re cryin’, huh? You cry so pretty, Sebastian, did you know that? Love seein’ you come apart, I swear it’s my favorite thing in the world, no joke.”

Sebastian lets out a shaky sigh and stills his fingers when they’re buried deep inside him, curling them, searching, until -- “Ahh- uhhnn, _ shit _ .”

“Yeah,” Chris breathes, drawing out the word. He’s practically salivating, so turned on he can barely think. “Right there, honey? You love it, huh?”

Sebastian makes a small, hurt noise, his cheeks flushed and lips bitten red, and Chris closes his eyes for a moment, suddenly afraid he’s going to come on the spot. He squeezes the base of his dick, pulling himself together, reminding himself that this is about Sebastian, about making him feel as good as he deserves. Sebastian deserves everything, and it pains Chris that he can’t yet give it to him. Soon, though.

“I know you need somethin’ bigger,” Chris tells him, just saying anything that comes to mind now, knowing how much Sebastian loves it when he talks to him. “I remember, you know? Don’t think I could ever forget how much you love being stretched out on my fingers. Or my cock – fuck, you look so good on my cock, sweetheart. You’re always so hungry for it, aren’t you? Need it any way you can get it, beggin’ me to give it to you.”

“Yes” Sebastian pants. “Give – I, I need it,  _ please _ .”

Chris hums, a low, dark sound. “You need my cock, sweetheart? Need it deep in that tight little ass of yours? Forcin’ you open around my dick, making you take it? Shit, I’d fuck you so good, baby, I swear.”

“ _ Yes _ ,” Sebastian moans, his voice hoarse like he’s been shouting, sounding fucked out despite the fact that they’re 2000 miles apart. “Fuck me, Chris, please. I n-need it.”

Chris voice breaks a little, along with his heart. “I want to, sweetheart. Want to  _ so bad _ , it’s drivin’ me out of my mind, Jesus  _ Christ _ . As soon as I’m with you I’m gonna fuck you so hard you can’t walk when I’m done with you. You like that, don’t ya? Love it when I give it to you hard, make it hurt a little, hmm? ‘Til you’re so sore you can feel me for  _ days _ . Makes you remember who you belong to, doesn’t it?” Chris twists his hand just so, groaning out, “Who do you belong to, Sebastian?”

“To you,” Sebastian whimpers, up to three fingers now, fucking himself with them as best as he can at this angle. It’s not nearly deep enough, Chris knows that. Sebastian’s always liked to feel him deep inside of him, feeling like Chris was claiming him,  _ owned _ him. Back then, they’d always used condoms, but Chris decides right there and then that they’ll both get tested before they have sex again for the first time. He wants all barriers between them gone. No more. As primitive as it sounds, Chris years to stake his claim on Sebastian in any way he can and coming inside of him, leaving a little bit of himself in the deepest part of Sebastian, is about the most literal way he can think of.

“Belong to you,” Sebastian cries again, the sheets under his cheek stained with the few tears that have slipped from the corner of his eyes.

“That’s right, sweetheart,” Chris moans. “You belong to me. Just to me. No one else, you hear me? God, I love you so much, baby, so fuckin’ much.”

Sebastian whines, his mouth dropping open as his hips rut down, fucking into his fist now.

“You close?” Chris asks him, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment to stave off his own climax for as long as he can. He’s been more or less ready to blow since Sebastian first started fingering himself, but wills himself to last just a little longer.

“ _ Uhh _ , yeah, Chris,  _ f-fuck _ , I’m –”

“Me too,  _ shit _ , me too, baby. C’mon,” Chris urges, breathing hard. “Look at me.”

Sebastian forces open his eyes, looking Chris with wide, unfocused eyes. His gaze drops from Chris’s face to his lap, where Chris’s hands flies over his cock as his breathing accelerates in anticipation.

“Oh, God,” Sebastian groans, eyelids fluttering. “Yes, c’mon, with me. With me, Chris,  _ please _ .”

“I’m right there with you, honey. All up against you, pullin’ you against my chest, biting at your neck, fucking up into you till you’re bursting with it… oh,  _ fuck _ .”

“Oh – I’m _ gghn _ -” Sebastian gasps, and then he goes still, mouth dropping open and eyes rolling back as he starts to fall apart, staining his fist and the sheets with his release. With a grunt, and the image of Sebastian’s pretty face screwed up in pleasure burned into his mind, Chris follows him over the edge, groaning deep in his throat as the orgasm washes over him. He rides out his climax, stroking himself through it, making it last.

When it’s over, he falls backwards onto the bed, his abs covered in his own come and his chest heaving as he catches his breath.

“Fuck,” curses Sebastian after a minute of comfortable, shared silence. “What the  _ fuck _ . That had no right to be that good.”

Chris drags himself upright, frowning a little, though it’s still hard to focus. “What d’you mean?” he slurs.

“I’ve been doing this for  _ years _ ,” Sebastian says, sounding almost annoyed about it. “It’s old hat. It’s always good, but it’s never…  _ this _ .”

Chris can’t help it – he preens, sitting up a little taller and grinning like an idiot. Sebastian starts to laugh, pushing his hair off his sweaty forehead with his wrist; a smart move, seeing as one of his hands his covered in lube, and the other in come.

“Your face,” Sebastian snorts, his nose scrunching up and his eyes disappearing into his smile.

“What about it?” Chris asks, feigning indignation.

Sebastian giggles some more, clearly laughing at him, but Chris doesn’t mind. Not one bit. If it gets Sebastian looking this happy and carefree, he’s more than welcome to laugh at him any day of the week.

When the giggles die down, the look on Sebastian’s face slowly changes; goes from happy and carefree to soft and fond. He’s almost glowing, so heartstoppingly beautiful that Chris wonders what he ever did to deserve a second chance with this man. He’s not sure he’ll ever deserve him, but he’ll keep trying.

“I love it,” Sebastian tells him, eyes shining. “I love your big, dumb face.”

If maybe said face melts into an expression of sheer, dumb adoration, Chris doesn’t do a thing to hide it. Never again.

“Love you, too, baby,” he says, smiling dopily at his TV screen. “Gonna hop on a plane and show you how much as soon as I can.”

“Promise?”

Chris nods earnestly. “Cross my heart.”

Sebastian’s smile is blinding. “Can’t wait,” he says, then blows Chris a kiss, and Chris makes a show of catching it.

Sebastian rolls his eyes at him, but he’s blushing, and Chris loves him.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Come and shout with me about these two on [Tumblr](https://musette22.tumblr.com/) if you want!


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